So it's been a while since i posted. I am sorry i haven't posted again sooner than this, but I've not really felt much like writing, and honestly just put it off. However I've been thinking about some things since I've been away from posting.
I don't know if i really feel like even posting right now, but I'm giving it my best shot. This blog entry may seem more all over the place than many or all that I've posted before, as I'm just kinda of writing off whatever I'm thinking right now at this moment. I've already deleted three different paragraph starts....
Another reason i haven't posted in a while is because life is busy. Hell it is busy, and down right complicated half the time. Be it work, school, family, friends, co-workers, all of that put together makes for a fairly stressful time for many people. I'm not one to be all that stressed usually (or so i like to think) I tend to just go with the flow, and not let things bother me that i cannot control. However things that I can control can really bother me.
One thing I had always believed that was true was that family will always be there. With the past 3-4 years i have noticed that to not be the case. My fathers father passed away back in 06. He had Cancer. I wasn't ever really close with him, but i have many many fond memories of him. No matter how fond those memories are, half of me now wonders if i really knew him at all. You see after he passed we learned he had been a military hero of sorts (he served all his life as a career Army Personnel) He had been awarded 3 bronze stars, for his service in Korea (or so Ive been told it was due to his service in Korea). I'm not really sure if it was Korea, but that's what I've been told. I know he served in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, and I only know this because of what was told to me after he passed. When he was alive, he didn't talk much at all about his service history at all. Since I've become an adult, I've learned that most of the guys who have seen a lot of action never really talk about it. This in my opinion explains much about Grandpop.
The month before he passed, I made a trip up to D.C. to see him. He was as i remembered him for the most part... Yes older, but other than that had his same basic personality. He was a very funny guy, had a humor about him that was fun and playful. While we were sitting on my dad's back patio watching my cousins play in the pool i asked him a bit about his service history. He told me he was in WWII, and went in at Normandy... although not on Day1. he said he was there either day 2 or 3. And served throughout that war, and then in Korea. He said in Korea he remembers being up in North Korea, and the next mountain range over was China. He said he remembers seeing the Chinese come over the top of the mountain, and having to scramble from machine gun to machine gun to machine gun, and then back again, repeating while some of his guys escaped. He told me about the convoy running from the Chinese / North Koreans that he was in, and that was really about it. He never did go into much detail. He also never mentioned Vietnam... So i don't know what he did there or if he was ever in country or not.
When I was a child I remember going every summer with him, my grandmother, my dad, his brothers, all to Rehobeth Beach, in Delaware. Grandpop's brother Uncle Unk( real name was Elmer) had a beach house there, and my grandfather had the boat in the marina there. Every summer this was the highlight for me. We'd go out in that little bow rider boat, and crab, and fish, and go to the beach and swim, and drive the golf cart to the marina's little shop, where we bought penny candies that he had given us money for. To this day i still love Swedish fish. Rehobeth has a lot of fond memories for me. From the amusement park, to the haunted house, to Thrashers French Fries, the boardwalk, the salt water taffy, all of it is a form of nostalgia i cannot explain. Even after my mother and father divorced, i still have fond memories of those summers. Perhaps it is not for me to have known him as Grandpop the man, but I think i would have liked to. But since I didn't, I will forever remember him as Grandpop the grandfather and be thankful that I did know him as i had.
Now and forever more, he will remain with his boys at Arlington National Cemetery, where we learned that he had been awarded 3 bronze stars, and received his internment with full military honors and 21 gun salute.
So the passing of Grandpop was the first real loss of a close family member I have experienced. However it will not be the last. My mothers father this past summer was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and he opted to not have surgery.. he's 88 years old, and also a war veteran. I suppose it is his right to decide to not have surgery done, but that does not make it any easier for me. He is the one man I've been incredibly close to all my life. I attribute him with much of my upbringing, much of my value systems, and why i am how i am. I also think hes been the one man that has been the constant, never gone, always there, always available, just always... If i had to have a "rock" he is it. His wife a few years ago, 2008, while in a drunken stupor called me and started drama within the family. The drama was based off of stuff my mothers daughter had said, which in turn had me disown both of them, and thus caused a huge rift within the family.
My mother, did not so much as cause an offense in this matter, but she didn't stop an offense either. She chose to side with her daughter, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and at the time was / is a raging alcoholic, and on top of that, was huffing cans of air. Yes, Spray cans of air. Well she decided to call my grandmother, and speak all sorts of hurtful things about my wife and myself. This in turn caused my grandmother to call me and repeat it, and thus cause the rift. I being the person i am, hung up on my grandmother and then called my mother to have her sort this out before it became irreversible. That backfired, as my mother did nothing, and thus sided with her mother / and daughter. So I disowned them all, with the exception of my grandfather, who was and is innocent in the entire matter. This little family issue has in turn pretty much caused my marriage to fail, and of course torn the family apart. My Grandmother and my mothers daughters actions have taken my grandfather away from me for the past 3 years, and for that I will never forgive them. They are in fact, dead to me. I do not say that lightly either. There is a time when self preservation must kick in and take priority over the repeated hurts, and well this is a bridge that was washed away and will not be rebuilt. Fast forward to today, and i learned thru my father in D.C. that my mothers mother has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. And is now in a assisted living/ nursing home because my grandfather cannot take care of her. She doesn't know what year it is and thinks people who are long dead have visited her recently.
Since 2008 I've come to terms that she's been dead to me for many years in my mind, but learning that it was/is dementia (and most likely one that had been effecting her back then as well) makes it just a smidge harder to be as hardened as i have been. I've also learned that my mothers daughter has been in and out of rehab facilities, and is supposedly now clean. Although she divorced the one husband she had that was worth a shit (even though he went to Clemson) and would (and did) do anything for her. She's also since had a baby with her first husband who is a worthless sack of shit that left a great job as a supervisor in an iron company years ago to be a schwans delivery man, and when that didn't work he became a tow-truck driver, and when that didn't work out, (probably due to the alcoholism and Cocaine) hes now unemployed again and lives off her disability.. Yea a real bright shining star there. both of them. They are the reason people shouldn't reproduce and also a cruel reminder that those that should usually aren't blessed to have children themselves.
So as you can tell, now, the once close nit perfect little happy family i had, is gone. I am now 36, and while it did take me longer to want children than most, being with my friend Mike and his wife September's wonderful 3, I realize how much i want them. I just pray and hope that he and his wife know how lucky they truly are, even with the bullshit of life, the children make it all worth while. I also realize now, that dream will probably go unfulfilled for me, just as my not repeating the mistakes of my fathers, or having a broken family, or always having my grandfather alive to talk to also wont go fulfilled.
To live a life once based within family, and to have that all surrounding you supporting you, and then to loose it all, and to live life every day empty inside and alone is a horrible feeling, which is probably why i started this blog to begin with.. to share my thoughts and feelings.. and maybe to be a form of therapy for myself, and others. I am far from a perfect person and I have my problems as much as anyone else, but if you'd of asked me where i would be 15 years ago, where i am is not exactly what I'd of expected the answer to be. Would any of us though?
Life is cruel and has many grey areas. Sometimes even living in those grey areas can be best. It can be the easiest way to not be hurt.. other times it can be the very invitation to disaster. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. make sure they feel it in their bones. They may not be there tomorrow for you to tell them. I hope and pray that those of you whom I love, I hope you know it.. if i haven't said it enough or ever, I'm sorry. I will strive to make you feel my love, all i ask is you do the same. As I have grown older, Ive noticed this to be true, and I've also noticed it is truly better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. No matter how true that statement is.. it does not make it any easier to do.
I've titled this post welcome to the jungle. Mostly i did so because this is only a glimpse into my jungle of my life.... you can either grab a vine and swing, or you can get sucked down into the quicksand of it all. Either way, beware of the panthers on the branches of the tree of life.. and welcome to my jungle.
I don't know if i really feel like even posting right now, but I'm giving it my best shot. This blog entry may seem more all over the place than many or all that I've posted before, as I'm just kinda of writing off whatever I'm thinking right now at this moment. I've already deleted three different paragraph starts....
Another reason i haven't posted in a while is because life is busy. Hell it is busy, and down right complicated half the time. Be it work, school, family, friends, co-workers, all of that put together makes for a fairly stressful time for many people. I'm not one to be all that stressed usually (or so i like to think) I tend to just go with the flow, and not let things bother me that i cannot control. However things that I can control can really bother me.
One thing I had always believed that was true was that family will always be there. With the past 3-4 years i have noticed that to not be the case. My fathers father passed away back in 06. He had Cancer. I wasn't ever really close with him, but i have many many fond memories of him. No matter how fond those memories are, half of me now wonders if i really knew him at all. You see after he passed we learned he had been a military hero of sorts (he served all his life as a career Army Personnel) He had been awarded 3 bronze stars, for his service in Korea (or so Ive been told it was due to his service in Korea). I'm not really sure if it was Korea, but that's what I've been told. I know he served in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, and I only know this because of what was told to me after he passed. When he was alive, he didn't talk much at all about his service history at all. Since I've become an adult, I've learned that most of the guys who have seen a lot of action never really talk about it. This in my opinion explains much about Grandpop.
The month before he passed, I made a trip up to D.C. to see him. He was as i remembered him for the most part... Yes older, but other than that had his same basic personality. He was a very funny guy, had a humor about him that was fun and playful. While we were sitting on my dad's back patio watching my cousins play in the pool i asked him a bit about his service history. He told me he was in WWII, and went in at Normandy... although not on Day1. he said he was there either day 2 or 3. And served throughout that war, and then in Korea. He said in Korea he remembers being up in North Korea, and the next mountain range over was China. He said he remembers seeing the Chinese come over the top of the mountain, and having to scramble from machine gun to machine gun to machine gun, and then back again, repeating while some of his guys escaped. He told me about the convoy running from the Chinese / North Koreans that he was in, and that was really about it. He never did go into much detail. He also never mentioned Vietnam... So i don't know what he did there or if he was ever in country or not.
When I was a child I remember going every summer with him, my grandmother, my dad, his brothers, all to Rehobeth Beach, in Delaware. Grandpop's brother Uncle Unk( real name was Elmer) had a beach house there, and my grandfather had the boat in the marina there. Every summer this was the highlight for me. We'd go out in that little bow rider boat, and crab, and fish, and go to the beach and swim, and drive the golf cart to the marina's little shop, where we bought penny candies that he had given us money for. To this day i still love Swedish fish. Rehobeth has a lot of fond memories for me. From the amusement park, to the haunted house, to Thrashers French Fries, the boardwalk, the salt water taffy, all of it is a form of nostalgia i cannot explain. Even after my mother and father divorced, i still have fond memories of those summers. Perhaps it is not for me to have known him as Grandpop the man, but I think i would have liked to. But since I didn't, I will forever remember him as Grandpop the grandfather and be thankful that I did know him as i had.
Now and forever more, he will remain with his boys at Arlington National Cemetery, where we learned that he had been awarded 3 bronze stars, and received his internment with full military honors and 21 gun salute.
Rest In Peace Grandpop...
So the passing of Grandpop was the first real loss of a close family member I have experienced. However it will not be the last. My mothers father this past summer was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and he opted to not have surgery.. he's 88 years old, and also a war veteran. I suppose it is his right to decide to not have surgery done, but that does not make it any easier for me. He is the one man I've been incredibly close to all my life. I attribute him with much of my upbringing, much of my value systems, and why i am how i am. I also think hes been the one man that has been the constant, never gone, always there, always available, just always... If i had to have a "rock" he is it. His wife a few years ago, 2008, while in a drunken stupor called me and started drama within the family. The drama was based off of stuff my mothers daughter had said, which in turn had me disown both of them, and thus caused a huge rift within the family.
My mother, did not so much as cause an offense in this matter, but she didn't stop an offense either. She chose to side with her daughter, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and at the time was / is a raging alcoholic, and on top of that, was huffing cans of air. Yes, Spray cans of air. Well she decided to call my grandmother, and speak all sorts of hurtful things about my wife and myself. This in turn caused my grandmother to call me and repeat it, and thus cause the rift. I being the person i am, hung up on my grandmother and then called my mother to have her sort this out before it became irreversible. That backfired, as my mother did nothing, and thus sided with her mother / and daughter. So I disowned them all, with the exception of my grandfather, who was and is innocent in the entire matter. This little family issue has in turn pretty much caused my marriage to fail, and of course torn the family apart. My Grandmother and my mothers daughters actions have taken my grandfather away from me for the past 3 years, and for that I will never forgive them. They are in fact, dead to me. I do not say that lightly either. There is a time when self preservation must kick in and take priority over the repeated hurts, and well this is a bridge that was washed away and will not be rebuilt. Fast forward to today, and i learned thru my father in D.C. that my mothers mother has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. And is now in a assisted living/ nursing home because my grandfather cannot take care of her. She doesn't know what year it is and thinks people who are long dead have visited her recently.
Since 2008 I've come to terms that she's been dead to me for many years in my mind, but learning that it was/is dementia (and most likely one that had been effecting her back then as well) makes it just a smidge harder to be as hardened as i have been. I've also learned that my mothers daughter has been in and out of rehab facilities, and is supposedly now clean. Although she divorced the one husband she had that was worth a shit (even though he went to Clemson) and would (and did) do anything for her. She's also since had a baby with her first husband who is a worthless sack of shit that left a great job as a supervisor in an iron company years ago to be a schwans delivery man, and when that didn't work he became a tow-truck driver, and when that didn't work out, (probably due to the alcoholism and Cocaine) hes now unemployed again and lives off her disability.. Yea a real bright shining star there. both of them. They are the reason people shouldn't reproduce and also a cruel reminder that those that should usually aren't blessed to have children themselves.
So as you can tell, now, the once close nit perfect little happy family i had, is gone. I am now 36, and while it did take me longer to want children than most, being with my friend Mike and his wife September's wonderful 3, I realize how much i want them. I just pray and hope that he and his wife know how lucky they truly are, even with the bullshit of life, the children make it all worth while. I also realize now, that dream will probably go unfulfilled for me, just as my not repeating the mistakes of my fathers, or having a broken family, or always having my grandfather alive to talk to also wont go fulfilled.
To live a life once based within family, and to have that all surrounding you supporting you, and then to loose it all, and to live life every day empty inside and alone is a horrible feeling, which is probably why i started this blog to begin with.. to share my thoughts and feelings.. and maybe to be a form of therapy for myself, and others. I am far from a perfect person and I have my problems as much as anyone else, but if you'd of asked me where i would be 15 years ago, where i am is not exactly what I'd of expected the answer to be. Would any of us though?
Life is cruel and has many grey areas. Sometimes even living in those grey areas can be best. It can be the easiest way to not be hurt.. other times it can be the very invitation to disaster. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. make sure they feel it in their bones. They may not be there tomorrow for you to tell them. I hope and pray that those of you whom I love, I hope you know it.. if i haven't said it enough or ever, I'm sorry. I will strive to make you feel my love, all i ask is you do the same. As I have grown older, Ive noticed this to be true, and I've also noticed it is truly better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. No matter how true that statement is.. it does not make it any easier to do.
I've titled this post welcome to the jungle. Mostly i did so because this is only a glimpse into my jungle of my life.... you can either grab a vine and swing, or you can get sucked down into the quicksand of it all. Either way, beware of the panthers on the branches of the tree of life.. and welcome to my jungle.
No comments:
Post a Comment