Happy new year everyone. 2011 is drawing to a close finally. As I write this on new years eve I take a little time to reflect on the previous year. Alot has happened.. both good and bad, as im sure it has been for many folks. I've had alot of new experiences, some of which i will never forget in my lifetime. These are the things that memories are made of and well theres no replacing life experiences. The bad, well as the clock hits 12:00 am i'll try to forget, and leave in the past.
The good things however, well like i said they are things that make life worth living. I am blessed, i know, I have good health ( as far as i know) and i make decent money, yes its not the greatest, but there are many by far worse off than i am. Family, for the most part is few, but those that are there have my love, and i know i have theirs. My job is great, i work with talented and exceptional people that not only am i lucky enough to call friend as well as co-workers.
My friends however, are my real riches. I dont have a ton of close friends, but i do have a very few select few that i know i could count on no matter what. I konw this because i feel it from them. Not in words always, not in deed always, but i do feel that the small close group of friends that i have have blessed me by having them in my life. I dont need to name names, but I hope they konw who they are. I hope they konw i love them and will do anything i can for them. I hope they know that even though i dont say it enough or show it all the time I love them, am thankful for them, and appreciate them in my life. They are a speial group, full of surprises, intelligence, laughter, and love.(although they dont know it, and dont see them as i see them, I hope they know how much they mean to me)
Material things come and go, but a true friend is forever. In 2012 i hope that i am blessed to continune my relationships with them, get closer with them, and enjoy them more. I hope they feel the same for me, as i do them. I hope that the bad thigns that happen in life are small and trivial in 2012, and i hope we all can be stronger, better off, and better people in the coming year.
Benjamin franklin once said "Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and may each new year find you a better man". I sure hope that this is the case for me, and i wish each of you my best wishes in future finances, friendship, love, and happiness. May peace be with you, and know that im there for you as a friend if you need me. :)
The Palmetto State
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
To give of ones self is the greatest gift of all.
Recently things have been a bit busy. I too have been a bit ill. some sort of sinus induced funk that has plagued me since tuesday of this week. Not fun. I seem to be largely over it now, and only have a slight cough every so often.
A while back emily had mentioned that she was off a couple of days and we could go to D.C. to visit family. I would have to get with my dad and see if he had time off. I called him once i got the ok for work, and got the time off for me. He said he had to do some legwork and see if he could get it off. Well last friday i learned he couldnt get the time off, and thus we didnt go to DC. I had a contingency though, it was to go see my grandfather in myrtle beach. This is in fact what we did do. We also went and did some christmas shopping while down at the beach.
I hadnt seen my grandfather since before thanksgiving of 2008. This is largely because of his wife, and my half sister. I've blogged about that situation previously. They remain dead to me as they did the day that the rift in the family had formed. Seeing my grandfather was great though. However, it also made me realize that he is starting to get older, and sadly starting to slow down. I felt bad for the things hes having to deal with in regards with my grandmother, and her commitment into the assisted living facility. It makes me realize how things in life are too short, and that you need to cherish every moment. I hope he enjoyed our visit, it wasn't long enough. It was especially nice to see him before christmas.
Today is christmas eve. Emily works tonight, and tomorrow. So we plan on opening our gifts tomorrow morning when she gets home. It should be very nice especially since we're going to do breakfast as well. I hate that she works nights though, and still wish she'd get off the night shift. All in time i hope. As 2011 comes to an end, i can hope for alot of things. I am thankful for what i have, and hope that everyone has a great Christmas and new year, and an even better 2012.
A while back emily had mentioned that she was off a couple of days and we could go to D.C. to visit family. I would have to get with my dad and see if he had time off. I called him once i got the ok for work, and got the time off for me. He said he had to do some legwork and see if he could get it off. Well last friday i learned he couldnt get the time off, and thus we didnt go to DC. I had a contingency though, it was to go see my grandfather in myrtle beach. This is in fact what we did do. We also went and did some christmas shopping while down at the beach.
I hadnt seen my grandfather since before thanksgiving of 2008. This is largely because of his wife, and my half sister. I've blogged about that situation previously. They remain dead to me as they did the day that the rift in the family had formed. Seeing my grandfather was great though. However, it also made me realize that he is starting to get older, and sadly starting to slow down. I felt bad for the things hes having to deal with in regards with my grandmother, and her commitment into the assisted living facility. It makes me realize how things in life are too short, and that you need to cherish every moment. I hope he enjoyed our visit, it wasn't long enough. It was especially nice to see him before christmas.
Today is christmas eve. Emily works tonight, and tomorrow. So we plan on opening our gifts tomorrow morning when she gets home. It should be very nice especially since we're going to do breakfast as well. I hate that she works nights though, and still wish she'd get off the night shift. All in time i hope. As 2011 comes to an end, i can hope for alot of things. I am thankful for what i have, and hope that everyone has a great Christmas and new year, and an even better 2012.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
How to fix Congress
this is a letter i received recently. I am told this is from Warren Buffett. If so, hes got some Great ideas here. I think there will be more needed to fix it though than just this, but this is a hell of a start. what do you all think? I look forward to your comments.
1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social
Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.
Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.
thoughts?
Warren Buffet is asking
_*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*_1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social
Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.
Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.
thoughts?
Friday, December 2, 2011
Black Fridaygiving and A family visit.
I know I've been slack with posting. Life has been busy. This past week was thanksgiving. its an American holiday for those of you foreigners that may or may not read this blog. :)
This is the time of year for family, friends, and thanking those for their part in your life. It is also a time for reflection upon what you have both materially and immaterially. It is a time of happiness and immense sadness for me, as I'm sure it is for many.
My dad called in Virginia a couple of weeks ago. He stated that his mom, my grandmother, was going to be put into an assisted living community. She has Dementia and possibly Alzheimer's. It is good that she's going to be put in this place, as it will help her, and she will be safe from herself. The sad part is this, that this thanksgiving is the first time since 1959ish that they didn't get to hold thanksgiving at her home. It was a tradition that i fondly remember from my youth. Every thanksgiving we'd go over to her house on Elgar Street. My dad, and his brothers would play football in the field across the street with neighbors and cousins, while sometimes id play too, and other times I'd just watch. Then supper was ready, and we'd eat our selves stupid. Once food was done, we'd go down to the rec room and watch football and talk and eat more. It was a good time. Fond memories of days long gone now.
Looking back on these memories are good things, but at the same time its sad because of how they will never happen again. Now the season is changing into full swing of Christmas. I have decorated the house some with the help of Emily, whom loves this time of the year. it is hard for me to get into the spirit of things though because of the lack of family now a days. There was a time when all was well and everyone was together, sadly that will never happen again. I guess it is part of life. I don't know. Now i have to shop for gifts, and i really don't know what all to buy for anyone. It all seems so odd to me and kinda pointless to give stuff that probably isn't wanted or needed.. I think i need to think about the gifting a lot more now. Maybe more sentimental things, maybe things with more meaning. Store bought gifts are great if you needed something,but these days i don't know if anyone needs anything really. I think sometimes that that which everyone thinks they need they don't, and that which they do need they don't know they need... or at least till its gone. Who knows. Food for thought i suppose....
This is the time of year for family, friends, and thanking those for their part in your life. It is also a time for reflection upon what you have both materially and immaterially. It is a time of happiness and immense sadness for me, as I'm sure it is for many.
My dad called in Virginia a couple of weeks ago. He stated that his mom, my grandmother, was going to be put into an assisted living community. She has Dementia and possibly Alzheimer's. It is good that she's going to be put in this place, as it will help her, and she will be safe from herself. The sad part is this, that this thanksgiving is the first time since 1959ish that they didn't get to hold thanksgiving at her home. It was a tradition that i fondly remember from my youth. Every thanksgiving we'd go over to her house on Elgar Street. My dad, and his brothers would play football in the field across the street with neighbors and cousins, while sometimes id play too, and other times I'd just watch. Then supper was ready, and we'd eat our selves stupid. Once food was done, we'd go down to the rec room and watch football and talk and eat more. It was a good time. Fond memories of days long gone now.
Looking back on these memories are good things, but at the same time its sad because of how they will never happen again. Now the season is changing into full swing of Christmas. I have decorated the house some with the help of Emily, whom loves this time of the year. it is hard for me to get into the spirit of things though because of the lack of family now a days. There was a time when all was well and everyone was together, sadly that will never happen again. I guess it is part of life. I don't know. Now i have to shop for gifts, and i really don't know what all to buy for anyone. It all seems so odd to me and kinda pointless to give stuff that probably isn't wanted or needed.. I think i need to think about the gifting a lot more now. Maybe more sentimental things, maybe things with more meaning. Store bought gifts are great if you needed something,but these days i don't know if anyone needs anything really. I think sometimes that that which everyone thinks they need they don't, and that which they do need they don't know they need... or at least till its gone. Who knows. Food for thought i suppose....
Friday, November 18, 2011
Current state of the union...
So as of late i havent posted much. I've been a tad busy at work, home, and reading alot. I suppose ill take the time now to just go over what ive been doing.
The Satanic lawnmower. Well as i was right about the riding lawnmower. She had a bad starter. I had to go to the local lawn mower parts place and get a new starter. I had ordered one offline and they sent the wrong one. 80 bux later and i had a good starting well running lawnmower. Now, that being said, I mowed my yard. it is always so nice when it is freshly mowed. Once i mowed though, i went to mow my neighbors and a piece of vine got stuck in above my carriage, and i threw my belt. Oh joy. needless to say the house across the street didnt get mowed. lol. I put the mower up for what hopefully will be the season / year. When i un-winterize ill fix the belt situation, and all will be golden.
I covered the pool. Yes the little used, overly expensive in maintenance and power consumption pool has been shut down, winterized and ready for winter with the same cover i was fortunate enough to use last year. I hope that the cover will make it many years. this being my 3rd year of having the pool, it being covered with the same cover has saved me 100 bux roughly. I like saving money. I wish i had enough money though to complete the back yard work. I have to bury power lines to the shed,pool, and also bury the backwash sprinkler system and the spare pool filler line i ran in the spring. I hate digging ditches.
Squirrels in the attic. I have 3 squirrels in the attic. I've tried catching them. I opened the side awning mesh to hopefully get them out to no avail. I think ill re-seal that this weekend. I have put rat poison in the attic, and i've caught various other things but no squirrels. I am a hairs width from napalm. Not only would that fix the squirrel issues but i may get a nice new house out of the deal at the state penn... lol.. no really theyre driving me crazy.
I went to the shed this week and got all the xmas stuff out for emily to decorate. Its her favorite part of year. so hopefuly she'll make the most of it. I dont know how i feel about this time of year anymore (xmas) cause of the family situation and also the commercialization of it all. Last Xmas I was in missouri and had fun, but i was ill and wasnt able to enjoy it all really as much as i had hoped. It was nice being in the snow though, and seeing the family there.
I've been playign alot of battlefield 3 lately. its a great game, and when you play with friends its even better. It beats the daylights out of Call of Duty because it is more team oriented and thus a bit more even no matter your skill level. That is another reason I havent posted here in a long time.
Ive also been reading alot. I have recently finished book 4 of the "Song of ice and fire series" by george r. r. martin. it is excellent. I have to my knowledge one more of his to read that is currently out there, and then i get to wait to read the next book. the good news is that season 2 of A Game of thrones which is what the hbo series is named (based on the same series) starts in april so i get to look forward to that. I'm currently re-reading decision points, by george w bush, a gift that was given to me last christmas by my father in law. After that I plan to read 1984 and the book 5 of game of thrones.
I dont sleep well anymore when im hot ive found. Im still fighting sinus issues, (not surprising with my allergies) and I really wanna finish the den construction, but in order to do that i need about 400 dollars i figure for mud, 2x4's and drywall and insullation of course i didnt factor in the electrical wire price of all that too,so im sure its closer to 700 bux.... I am planning on knocking the wall out and expanding the laundry room by 3 feet roughly so i can fit our washer and dryers. I have so much to do and so little money to do it with. lol. I gotta replace the back door area as well. I want to build a deck to the pool as well, and then once all that is done i still need to vynil side the awnings and eves of the house. after thats all done, i may be somewhat close to being done with renovations, and be able to relax on that front. Goodness i just wanna be done already!!
Christmas shopping.. ugh..
family issues.. more ugh...
i'll write more later i suppose..
The Satanic lawnmower. Well as i was right about the riding lawnmower. She had a bad starter. I had to go to the local lawn mower parts place and get a new starter. I had ordered one offline and they sent the wrong one. 80 bux later and i had a good starting well running lawnmower. Now, that being said, I mowed my yard. it is always so nice when it is freshly mowed. Once i mowed though, i went to mow my neighbors and a piece of vine got stuck in above my carriage, and i threw my belt. Oh joy. needless to say the house across the street didnt get mowed. lol. I put the mower up for what hopefully will be the season / year. When i un-winterize ill fix the belt situation, and all will be golden.
I covered the pool. Yes the little used, overly expensive in maintenance and power consumption pool has been shut down, winterized and ready for winter with the same cover i was fortunate enough to use last year. I hope that the cover will make it many years. this being my 3rd year of having the pool, it being covered with the same cover has saved me 100 bux roughly. I like saving money. I wish i had enough money though to complete the back yard work. I have to bury power lines to the shed,pool, and also bury the backwash sprinkler system and the spare pool filler line i ran in the spring. I hate digging ditches.
Squirrels in the attic. I have 3 squirrels in the attic. I've tried catching them. I opened the side awning mesh to hopefully get them out to no avail. I think ill re-seal that this weekend. I have put rat poison in the attic, and i've caught various other things but no squirrels. I am a hairs width from napalm. Not only would that fix the squirrel issues but i may get a nice new house out of the deal at the state penn... lol.. no really theyre driving me crazy.
I went to the shed this week and got all the xmas stuff out for emily to decorate. Its her favorite part of year. so hopefuly she'll make the most of it. I dont know how i feel about this time of year anymore (xmas) cause of the family situation and also the commercialization of it all. Last Xmas I was in missouri and had fun, but i was ill and wasnt able to enjoy it all really as much as i had hoped. It was nice being in the snow though, and seeing the family there.
I've been playign alot of battlefield 3 lately. its a great game, and when you play with friends its even better. It beats the daylights out of Call of Duty because it is more team oriented and thus a bit more even no matter your skill level. That is another reason I havent posted here in a long time.
Ive also been reading alot. I have recently finished book 4 of the "Song of ice and fire series" by george r. r. martin. it is excellent. I have to my knowledge one more of his to read that is currently out there, and then i get to wait to read the next book. the good news is that season 2 of A Game of thrones which is what the hbo series is named (based on the same series) starts in april so i get to look forward to that. I'm currently re-reading decision points, by george w bush, a gift that was given to me last christmas by my father in law. After that I plan to read 1984 and the book 5 of game of thrones.
I dont sleep well anymore when im hot ive found. Im still fighting sinus issues, (not surprising with my allergies) and I really wanna finish the den construction, but in order to do that i need about 400 dollars i figure for mud, 2x4's and drywall and insullation of course i didnt factor in the electrical wire price of all that too,so im sure its closer to 700 bux.... I am planning on knocking the wall out and expanding the laundry room by 3 feet roughly so i can fit our washer and dryers. I have so much to do and so little money to do it with. lol. I gotta replace the back door area as well. I want to build a deck to the pool as well, and then once all that is done i still need to vynil side the awnings and eves of the house. after thats all done, i may be somewhat close to being done with renovations, and be able to relax on that front. Goodness i just wanna be done already!!
Christmas shopping.. ugh..
family issues.. more ugh...
i'll write more later i suppose..
Friday, October 28, 2011
Ramblings of an irritated idiot...
Is it wrong to be amazed that folks who work in an office environment for the past 20 or 30 years have no idea how to use the very basic computer functions? I myself am totally amazed. These people make over 50k a year and dont know how to copy and paste. Or they dont know how to Extract files from a zip file. What is even more amazing is that windows has a built in unzip extraction now with windows 7, which is what they are using by the way....
I know i know, im being overly critical and harsh just because i'm in the IT field, and i shouldnt be so critical of folks because they dont do IT stuff on a daily basis. BULLSHIT. Im talking copy and paste here people. You do it every time you get pictures off your camera, (oh wait they cant do that either) or every time you move a file to the recycle bin.
These people are in charge of your payroll or your healthcare benifits, or your admission into that university, or your recertification or whatever. Your life as a business person depends on these people and their ability to do their job. This should scare the shit out of you. I know it does me. What is it that folks just dont understand about learning the basics of computers? You know theyve used them for the past 20 years almost. they really should know how to navigate the basics by now.. Or one would think.
another thing that gets me going is common sense. one would think its common with that name. Ugh. I suppose its like we say about a drive on a park way and park on a drive way. Makes no sense why we named them what we named them. I had a person a while back, out of the blue ask me if i remembered a spreadsheet i made, and then maield to everyone about computers that needed replaced. (i made said spreadsheet so i wouldnt have to commit everything to memory) I said yes, i remember the spreadsheet i mailed it to you, and everyone else. Why? This person then said nevermind I'll figure it out. I was like if you were gonna do that why even bother asking me if i remembered it. I then got attitude from her the rest of the day, when asked what the deal was, she said i am difficult to deal with. She has yet to see me difficult, but i assure you, she will see me difficult from now on. I'm done with it. Dont ask me stupid questions and i wont give you stupid answers.
I had a buddy give me a scare this week. I woke up groggy one morning and saw him on crimestoppers. Turns out the police are idiots and grasping at straws. They said he may be a person of interest, but the video and photos made him look to be guilty. Goes to show you theyre just as dumb as the news are. He got it all sorted within 8 minutes of talking to the officers, (they knew he was innocent before they aired the video. they were literally hoping he'd remember some guy pumping gass at a gass station at 430 in the morning.) Shows how stupid they are. Oh well, better hope your no where near any crime or you may be broadcast as a person of interest.
Thank goodness it is friday. I am ready for some gamecock football, and i am ready for some relaxing weekend time.
I know i know, im being overly critical and harsh just because i'm in the IT field, and i shouldnt be so critical of folks because they dont do IT stuff on a daily basis. BULLSHIT. Im talking copy and paste here people. You do it every time you get pictures off your camera, (oh wait they cant do that either) or every time you move a file to the recycle bin.
These people are in charge of your payroll or your healthcare benifits, or your admission into that university, or your recertification or whatever. Your life as a business person depends on these people and their ability to do their job. This should scare the shit out of you. I know it does me. What is it that folks just dont understand about learning the basics of computers? You know theyve used them for the past 20 years almost. they really should know how to navigate the basics by now.. Or one would think.
another thing that gets me going is common sense. one would think its common with that name. Ugh. I suppose its like we say about a drive on a park way and park on a drive way. Makes no sense why we named them what we named them. I had a person a while back, out of the blue ask me if i remembered a spreadsheet i made, and then maield to everyone about computers that needed replaced. (i made said spreadsheet so i wouldnt have to commit everything to memory) I said yes, i remember the spreadsheet i mailed it to you, and everyone else. Why? This person then said nevermind I'll figure it out. I was like if you were gonna do that why even bother asking me if i remembered it. I then got attitude from her the rest of the day, when asked what the deal was, she said i am difficult to deal with. She has yet to see me difficult, but i assure you, she will see me difficult from now on. I'm done with it. Dont ask me stupid questions and i wont give you stupid answers.
I had a buddy give me a scare this week. I woke up groggy one morning and saw him on crimestoppers. Turns out the police are idiots and grasping at straws. They said he may be a person of interest, but the video and photos made him look to be guilty. Goes to show you theyre just as dumb as the news are. He got it all sorted within 8 minutes of talking to the officers, (they knew he was innocent before they aired the video. they were literally hoping he'd remember some guy pumping gass at a gass station at 430 in the morning.) Shows how stupid they are. Oh well, better hope your no where near any crime or you may be broadcast as a person of interest.
Thank goodness it is friday. I am ready for some gamecock football, and i am ready for some relaxing weekend time.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Twilight of the gods...
I've been wanting to write lately. I just am not inspired to write about anything in particular. I have a lot going on in my mind. A lot of things are good, and a lot of them are not. If you'd of asked me this time last year how i thought life was turning out for me I'd of told you a totally different tale than the one i am now spinning.
I've got to get to the beach soon, to see my grandfather. If for no other reason to drop in for a few hours and see him. I don't want to drive all the way there to just see him for a few though. I feel that he'd want to make me go see my grandmother, and that wont happen. I have nothing to say about her or for her or to her. Much like my mother's daughter. I had some lady ask me in facebook if i was her brother as she lives across the street from her. I told her no, i am not. As far as I'm concerned both she and my grandmother are dead to me.
Finances are always kicking around in my head, I worry about them too much I've been told. But at least i am keeping them in check. No matter how much i worry. Not to mention the other issues at home. There is some stuff i don't even write about and or talk about, for fear that by giving them speech or written word they may in fact turn true, or at least, more true than they have already been. I'm no longer sure of what i want, or how i want things to turn out. I wonder if it's too little too late. I wonder if .. just if... a lot. The doubts in life are in fact some of the harshest things I've come across. Doubt in someones word, doubt i someones deed, doubt in someones intent or non-intent. Just doubt.
Then theres other things too job related things. Not so much my work, as my work is good. Yes there is the occasional idiot who rains on my parade, but there is little enough i can do about that. The work of the wife is another issue, and her night shift hours which in my opinion has created a lot of the stress / doubt /issues /problems. One can only pray for salvation from this dungeon I've been locked into for the past year or more. Fate is cruel, and after i had been sentenced to working nights for so long, only to get a job that i don't have to do that at, and then to have her as such on nights, well it doesn't fix my situation, in fact all it did was reverse our places, and thus create this situation all over again. My mother's recent visit over to attempt a patch up of the situation has evidently yielded no joy.. and furthermore hasn't yielded even an answer as to weather or not it had any bearing.
What is life about anyways? I had at one time thought it was about finding someone you can spend your life with, to depend on them, both physically and emotionally, and to enjoy the company of that person, while you eventually raised a family, and met the goals you both set for yourselves and your family unit wile being the best person you could be. Now, i don't know. Now i sit here waiting, no hoping for, the end of civilization. Be it in an economic collapse, an invasion, a zombie induced viri invasion, or just plain and simple good old fashioned asteroid induced cataclysm it makes no matter to me, as long as it happens and happens soon. anyone else here disappointed in that nutcase who predicted the rapture was wrong 2 times in a row? If you were feel free to don your tin foil hat and chill out. you are not alone.
So the other day I'm sitting around reading, and watching the news and hear a name the news caster said. I was like no, couldn't be. The last name was different than i knew, but the first was unique enough that i knew in a heart beat who it was. It was a ex-girlfriend i had once. It was a nice piece on her and her family of kids waiting on her husband who is serving our country to come home from the sandbox. (thanks to him for serving) Well idk if you've ever ran into or seen a x years after the actual dating had happened, but god the years didn't treat her well. I guess the same could and should be said bout me, but its just kinda amazing to me to know that the memories you have are probably better than the reality that is now with almost everyone from your past you don't associate with currently so don't be surprised when you see them and wanna vomit in your own socks. just saying. ...
does anyone else have a affinity for Gregorian chants? i find that i don't listen to it near enough, and actually enjoy it. Perhaps its just because its Halloween time, but i could be wrong. I think its one of those things that folks like if they actually listen to it instead of this synthesized music we have today.
I made pan seared Italian chicken and tri-color rotinni with pesto for supper last night, and had some for lunch today, along with a salad i had bought at work here. it was excellent. Pasta, while considered a peasant's food by some, is excellent, and there is no limit to the additions you can put on it. it's like the Lego of cooking. you can just build on it and build on it and build on it.
Battlefield 3 comes out tomorrow. This means i will be MIA most likely for a long while. I will attempt to drown my self in massive amounts of gaming, and maybe even alcohol. Fun times for sure. I suppose nothing is better for the soul than killing on the simulator. Oh well. I look forward to flying the jets. i think that will be a lot of fun.
Oh and my riding lawnmower is possessed by Satan. I have to figure out what the deal is with that damn thing soon. I tried for 3 hours yesterday and only got it running once. ugh.
I've got to get to the beach soon, to see my grandfather. If for no other reason to drop in for a few hours and see him. I don't want to drive all the way there to just see him for a few though. I feel that he'd want to make me go see my grandmother, and that wont happen. I have nothing to say about her or for her or to her. Much like my mother's daughter. I had some lady ask me in facebook if i was her brother as she lives across the street from her. I told her no, i am not. As far as I'm concerned both she and my grandmother are dead to me.
Finances are always kicking around in my head, I worry about them too much I've been told. But at least i am keeping them in check. No matter how much i worry. Not to mention the other issues at home. There is some stuff i don't even write about and or talk about, for fear that by giving them speech or written word they may in fact turn true, or at least, more true than they have already been. I'm no longer sure of what i want, or how i want things to turn out. I wonder if it's too little too late. I wonder if .. just if... a lot. The doubts in life are in fact some of the harshest things I've come across. Doubt in someones word, doubt i someones deed, doubt in someones intent or non-intent. Just doubt.
Then theres other things too job related things. Not so much my work, as my work is good. Yes there is the occasional idiot who rains on my parade, but there is little enough i can do about that. The work of the wife is another issue, and her night shift hours which in my opinion has created a lot of the stress / doubt /issues /problems. One can only pray for salvation from this dungeon I've been locked into for the past year or more. Fate is cruel, and after i had been sentenced to working nights for so long, only to get a job that i don't have to do that at, and then to have her as such on nights, well it doesn't fix my situation, in fact all it did was reverse our places, and thus create this situation all over again. My mother's recent visit over to attempt a patch up of the situation has evidently yielded no joy.. and furthermore hasn't yielded even an answer as to weather or not it had any bearing.
What is life about anyways? I had at one time thought it was about finding someone you can spend your life with, to depend on them, both physically and emotionally, and to enjoy the company of that person, while you eventually raised a family, and met the goals you both set for yourselves and your family unit wile being the best person you could be. Now, i don't know. Now i sit here waiting, no hoping for, the end of civilization. Be it in an economic collapse, an invasion, a zombie induced viri invasion, or just plain and simple good old fashioned asteroid induced cataclysm it makes no matter to me, as long as it happens and happens soon. anyone else here disappointed in that nutcase who predicted the rapture was wrong 2 times in a row? If you were feel free to don your tin foil hat and chill out. you are not alone.
So the other day I'm sitting around reading, and watching the news and hear a name the news caster said. I was like no, couldn't be. The last name was different than i knew, but the first was unique enough that i knew in a heart beat who it was. It was a ex-girlfriend i had once. It was a nice piece on her and her family of kids waiting on her husband who is serving our country to come home from the sandbox. (thanks to him for serving) Well idk if you've ever ran into or seen a x years after the actual dating had happened, but god the years didn't treat her well. I guess the same could and should be said bout me, but its just kinda amazing to me to know that the memories you have are probably better than the reality that is now with almost everyone from your past you don't associate with currently so don't be surprised when you see them and wanna vomit in your own socks. just saying. ...
does anyone else have a affinity for Gregorian chants? i find that i don't listen to it near enough, and actually enjoy it. Perhaps its just because its Halloween time, but i could be wrong. I think its one of those things that folks like if they actually listen to it instead of this synthesized music we have today.
I made pan seared Italian chicken and tri-color rotinni with pesto for supper last night, and had some for lunch today, along with a salad i had bought at work here. it was excellent. Pasta, while considered a peasant's food by some, is excellent, and there is no limit to the additions you can put on it. it's like the Lego of cooking. you can just build on it and build on it and build on it.
Battlefield 3 comes out tomorrow. This means i will be MIA most likely for a long while. I will attempt to drown my self in massive amounts of gaming, and maybe even alcohol. Fun times for sure. I suppose nothing is better for the soul than killing on the simulator. Oh well. I look forward to flying the jets. i think that will be a lot of fun.
Oh and my riding lawnmower is possessed by Satan. I have to figure out what the deal is with that damn thing soon. I tried for 3 hours yesterday and only got it running once. ugh.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What if we had no Tech?
Well I'm using the blogspot app for ipad/iphone, which really is just a Iphone app, and needs to be updated horribly. It doesnt maximize the Ipad's capabilities, nor does it look or feel near as good as the web interface. I wonder if I should just go to the webpage and post from there in safari.
Technology... Odd that i'd choose to write about it in this light. I work in the I.T. Field. I fix computers, and work on networks, etc. However, I tend to be one of the most anti-technology people you would meet normally. I think that we have almost ruined life as we knew it. I'm not near as old as say my grandfather, who when he was young had no electricity, or indoor plumbing. However, I remember a time when we had Television, and radio, and movies, and Air Conditioning, but not cell phones, pagers, smart phones, Ipads computers, laptops, voice over IP phones.
I don't know if we can argue that we're better off now as a society with all these devices than we were without them. I think that perhaps we had more interpersonal interaction. If we wanted to talk to someone, we picked up a telephone and called them physically. there was no answering service or voicemail or even answering machines half the time. You had to be rich to have those answering machines. Or of course we'd get up and drive over to their home and visit with them in person. Because of the lack of these devices that text, or voicemail, or email people we had to see them we had to read how they responded to what we said or how we talked or looked in person, as opposed to now where we hide behind our devices, and talk to each other without ever even seeing each other. Hell half the time folks will write stuff in email or online that they would never see or say or do in person.
Is all these social networking sites really good for us? Hell is even my blog good for us? Yea it lets me get things off my chest, but i mean why not just tell people in person? Why do people stalk each other on these social sites like twitter, facebook, google plus, etc? And dont say you dont do it cause i know your lying. Every single one of us have sat there going thru a friend or a former acquaintance's photos or information looking to see what they are up to, or how their life turned out so far, etc. Humans inherently seem to be prone to gossip, and maybe thats why we do it? Just look at all the tabloids out there that folks buy about celebrities.. nothing more than gossip rags.
Another thing that we've lost is print media. Look at the magazines, the newspapers, the books even that are no longer published in paper. Those that are still there are hurting financially as their subscription base has been eroding away annually. Im as guilty as the rest of us, i read books on my ipad, i dont take the paper, i read news on the computer, be it at the newspapers site, or the large networks like foxnews or cnn or drudge, or the blaze.
That brings me to another issue, the 24 hour news cycle. I could care less about things like the Michael Jackson Doctor trial. it is not something that i have to know all about all the time. If there is not enough news to report on, DONT HAVE A 24 HOUR NEWS CYCLE. Sheesh. its not that hard. I miss the ol BREAKING NEWS and what happened to the good old anchors like walter kronkite? I'll tell you what. They're pretty much gone now. Ever since Dan Rather's false reporting because he had to keep up with creating news so he can keep the 24 hour cycle full, we've lost the truthful news reporters. Not to mention those that are Unbiased. I know, you say if your conservative like me that Fox news is Fair and Balanced. Well it tries, it really does, but its not 100% Fair nor unbiased. I miss when reporters would just report, and not give opinion. We have things like these social networks and blogs for opinions now, so how about you reports shut the hell up about what you think and simply report the damn news that I need to know. I mean yea, an earthquake is important, but Lady Ga-Ga serenading bill clinton for his birthday is the last damn thing i wanna see on my 6 oclock news report.
Is it wrong for me to long for the days gone by? Imagine a world, where the televisions have a rainbow screen and a buzz or a snow screen and buzz after 2am. Imagine no cell phones, pagers, smart phones. Imagine no laptops, no ipads, no desktops. Imagine no cable for that matter or satellite. Imagine no GPS, no ipods no walkmans or any portable music devices. For all the good that we've had with technologies, i wager we'd be better off as a society of people if we truely interacted with each other, and didnt have these devices anymore
Technology... Odd that i'd choose to write about it in this light. I work in the I.T. Field. I fix computers, and work on networks, etc. However, I tend to be one of the most anti-technology people you would meet normally. I think that we have almost ruined life as we knew it. I'm not near as old as say my grandfather, who when he was young had no electricity, or indoor plumbing. However, I remember a time when we had Television, and radio, and movies, and Air Conditioning, but not cell phones, pagers, smart phones, Ipads computers, laptops, voice over IP phones.
I don't know if we can argue that we're better off now as a society with all these devices than we were without them. I think that perhaps we had more interpersonal interaction. If we wanted to talk to someone, we picked up a telephone and called them physically. there was no answering service or voicemail or even answering machines half the time. You had to be rich to have those answering machines. Or of course we'd get up and drive over to their home and visit with them in person. Because of the lack of these devices that text, or voicemail, or email people we had to see them we had to read how they responded to what we said or how we talked or looked in person, as opposed to now where we hide behind our devices, and talk to each other without ever even seeing each other. Hell half the time folks will write stuff in email or online that they would never see or say or do in person.
Is all these social networking sites really good for us? Hell is even my blog good for us? Yea it lets me get things off my chest, but i mean why not just tell people in person? Why do people stalk each other on these social sites like twitter, facebook, google plus, etc? And dont say you dont do it cause i know your lying. Every single one of us have sat there going thru a friend or a former acquaintance's photos or information looking to see what they are up to, or how their life turned out so far, etc. Humans inherently seem to be prone to gossip, and maybe thats why we do it? Just look at all the tabloids out there that folks buy about celebrities.. nothing more than gossip rags.
Another thing that we've lost is print media. Look at the magazines, the newspapers, the books even that are no longer published in paper. Those that are still there are hurting financially as their subscription base has been eroding away annually. Im as guilty as the rest of us, i read books on my ipad, i dont take the paper, i read news on the computer, be it at the newspapers site, or the large networks like foxnews or cnn or drudge, or the blaze.
That brings me to another issue, the 24 hour news cycle. I could care less about things like the Michael Jackson Doctor trial. it is not something that i have to know all about all the time. If there is not enough news to report on, DONT HAVE A 24 HOUR NEWS CYCLE. Sheesh. its not that hard. I miss the ol BREAKING NEWS and what happened to the good old anchors like walter kronkite? I'll tell you what. They're pretty much gone now. Ever since Dan Rather's false reporting because he had to keep up with creating news so he can keep the 24 hour cycle full, we've lost the truthful news reporters. Not to mention those that are Unbiased. I know, you say if your conservative like me that Fox news is Fair and Balanced. Well it tries, it really does, but its not 100% Fair nor unbiased. I miss when reporters would just report, and not give opinion. We have things like these social networks and blogs for opinions now, so how about you reports shut the hell up about what you think and simply report the damn news that I need to know. I mean yea, an earthquake is important, but Lady Ga-Ga serenading bill clinton for his birthday is the last damn thing i wanna see on my 6 oclock news report.
Is it wrong for me to long for the days gone by? Imagine a world, where the televisions have a rainbow screen and a buzz or a snow screen and buzz after 2am. Imagine no cell phones, pagers, smart phones. Imagine no laptops, no ipads, no desktops. Imagine no cable for that matter or satellite. Imagine no GPS, no ipods no walkmans or any portable music devices. For all the good that we've had with technologies, i wager we'd be better off as a society of people if we truely interacted with each other, and didnt have these devices anymore
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Words of a friend...
Recently while talking with a friend about life, i was told that people view me as being smart. While this is a huge compliment to me, i don't look upon myself as being such. I look at myself as an average person... and many times it is hard for me to realize that not everyone thinks the way i do, nor doe everyone understand things the way i do.
it is interesting to think about this a little because it highlights how folks are different. I personally don't know if it is just something we all take for granted or not, but when it comes to things i tend to think folks think about things similarly to how i do. If a problem needs solved, i tend to think they will know how to go about solving it just as much as I would. If something is broken i think people would go about trying to fix it just as i would. This doesn't mean its true though. many times people do not think like i do. Not everyone is good at solving problems, not everyone is good at trying to solve them either. A more common example is the old saying that common sense is not that common.
I realize that everyone has had different experiences than me as a human being going through life. This especially in their childhood / early teen years usually forms how one thinks... along with school which is supposed to teach you how to think, is what shapes folks usually in the thought process. I've always thought that once things were explained, each person would think the same about whatever item that was explained. That is not the case though, largely based upon their life experiences.
I have kinda rambled on this subject. it is hard for me to put in words why folks look at me as being intelligent, when i don't really think of myself as such. I figure i am just like everyone else, and am able to do just what everyone else does. I don't like to attribute myself of being any better than the next guy,and honestly many folks i know make me feel sooo dumb so often its not even funny. The folks i work with for instance are so smart it is scary. i wish i knew half the stuff they knew. I find the comments my friend has said though as encouraging and also as flattering. So to that friend thank you. What are y'alls thoughts on intelligence? What makes someone smart and someone not?
it is interesting to think about this a little because it highlights how folks are different. I personally don't know if it is just something we all take for granted or not, but when it comes to things i tend to think folks think about things similarly to how i do. If a problem needs solved, i tend to think they will know how to go about solving it just as much as I would. If something is broken i think people would go about trying to fix it just as i would. This doesn't mean its true though. many times people do not think like i do. Not everyone is good at solving problems, not everyone is good at trying to solve them either. A more common example is the old saying that common sense is not that common.
I realize that everyone has had different experiences than me as a human being going through life. This especially in their childhood / early teen years usually forms how one thinks... along with school which is supposed to teach you how to think, is what shapes folks usually in the thought process. I've always thought that once things were explained, each person would think the same about whatever item that was explained. That is not the case though, largely based upon their life experiences.
I have kinda rambled on this subject. it is hard for me to put in words why folks look at me as being intelligent, when i don't really think of myself as such. I figure i am just like everyone else, and am able to do just what everyone else does. I don't like to attribute myself of being any better than the next guy,and honestly many folks i know make me feel sooo dumb so often its not even funny. The folks i work with for instance are so smart it is scary. i wish i knew half the stuff they knew. I find the comments my friend has said though as encouraging and also as flattering. So to that friend thank you. What are y'alls thoughts on intelligence? What makes someone smart and someone not?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Ragged old Flag
This is a song by Johnny Cash. I felt its lyrics needed to be posted.
I walked through a county courthouse square
On a park bench, an old man was sittin' there.
I said, "Your old court house is kinda run down,
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town".
I said, "Your old flag pole is leaned a little bit,
And that's a ragged old flag you got hangin' on it".
He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down,
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town"
I said, "I think it is"
He said "I don't like to brag, but we're kinda proud of
That Ragged Old Flag
"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there,
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
and It got powder burned the night Francis Scott Key sat watching it,
writing "Say Can You See"
It got a rip in New Orleans, with Packingham & Jackson
tugging at its seams.
and It almost fell at the Alamo
beside the Texas flag,
But she waved on though.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville,
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee and Beauregard and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on
That Ragged Old Flag
"On Flanders Field in World War I,
She got a big hole from a Bertha Gun,
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp, and low, a time or two,
She was in Korea, Vietnam, She went where she was sent
by her Uncle Sam.
She waved from our ships upon the briny foam
and now they've about quit wavin' back here at home
in her own good land here She's been abused,
She's been burned, dishonored, denied an' refused,
And the government for which she stands
Has been scandalized throughout out the land.
And she's getting thread bare, and she's wearin' thin,
But she's in good shape, for the shape she's in.
Cause she's been through the fire before
and i believe she can take a whole lot more.
"So we raise her up every morning
And we bring her down slow every night,
We don't let her touch the ground,
And we fold her up right.
On second thought
I *do* like to brag
Cause I'm mighty proud of
That Ragged Old Flag"
On a park bench, an old man was sittin' there.
I said, "Your old court house is kinda run down,
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town".
I said, "Your old flag pole is leaned a little bit,
And that's a ragged old flag you got hangin' on it".
He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down,
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town"
I said, "I think it is"
He said "I don't like to brag, but we're kinda proud of
That Ragged Old Flag
"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there,
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
and It got powder burned the night Francis Scott Key sat watching it,
writing "Say Can You See"
It got a rip in New Orleans, with Packingham & Jackson
tugging at its seams.
and It almost fell at the Alamo
beside the Texas flag,
But she waved on though.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville,
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee and Beauregard and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on
That Ragged Old Flag
"On Flanders Field in World War I,
She got a big hole from a Bertha Gun,
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp, and low, a time or two,
She was in Korea, Vietnam, She went where she was sent
by her Uncle Sam.
She waved from our ships upon the briny foam
and now they've about quit wavin' back here at home
in her own good land here She's been abused,
She's been burned, dishonored, denied an' refused,
And the government for which she stands
Has been scandalized throughout out the land.
And she's getting thread bare, and she's wearin' thin,
But she's in good shape, for the shape she's in.
Cause she's been through the fire before
and i believe she can take a whole lot more.
"So we raise her up every morning
And we bring her down slow every night,
We don't let her touch the ground,
And we fold her up right.
On second thought
I *do* like to brag
Cause I'm mighty proud of
That Ragged Old Flag"
Welcome to the jungle...
So it's been a while since i posted. I am sorry i haven't posted again sooner than this, but I've not really felt much like writing, and honestly just put it off. However I've been thinking about some things since I've been away from posting.
I don't know if i really feel like even posting right now, but I'm giving it my best shot. This blog entry may seem more all over the place than many or all that I've posted before, as I'm just kinda of writing off whatever I'm thinking right now at this moment. I've already deleted three different paragraph starts....
Another reason i haven't posted in a while is because life is busy. Hell it is busy, and down right complicated half the time. Be it work, school, family, friends, co-workers, all of that put together makes for a fairly stressful time for many people. I'm not one to be all that stressed usually (or so i like to think) I tend to just go with the flow, and not let things bother me that i cannot control. However things that I can control can really bother me.
One thing I had always believed that was true was that family will always be there. With the past 3-4 years i have noticed that to not be the case. My fathers father passed away back in 06. He had Cancer. I wasn't ever really close with him, but i have many many fond memories of him. No matter how fond those memories are, half of me now wonders if i really knew him at all. You see after he passed we learned he had been a military hero of sorts (he served all his life as a career Army Personnel) He had been awarded 3 bronze stars, for his service in Korea (or so Ive been told it was due to his service in Korea). I'm not really sure if it was Korea, but that's what I've been told. I know he served in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, and I only know this because of what was told to me after he passed. When he was alive, he didn't talk much at all about his service history at all. Since I've become an adult, I've learned that most of the guys who have seen a lot of action never really talk about it. This in my opinion explains much about Grandpop.
The month before he passed, I made a trip up to D.C. to see him. He was as i remembered him for the most part... Yes older, but other than that had his same basic personality. He was a very funny guy, had a humor about him that was fun and playful. While we were sitting on my dad's back patio watching my cousins play in the pool i asked him a bit about his service history. He told me he was in WWII, and went in at Normandy... although not on Day1. he said he was there either day 2 or 3. And served throughout that war, and then in Korea. He said in Korea he remembers being up in North Korea, and the next mountain range over was China. He said he remembers seeing the Chinese come over the top of the mountain, and having to scramble from machine gun to machine gun to machine gun, and then back again, repeating while some of his guys escaped. He told me about the convoy running from the Chinese / North Koreans that he was in, and that was really about it. He never did go into much detail. He also never mentioned Vietnam... So i don't know what he did there or if he was ever in country or not.
When I was a child I remember going every summer with him, my grandmother, my dad, his brothers, all to Rehobeth Beach, in Delaware. Grandpop's brother Uncle Unk( real name was Elmer) had a beach house there, and my grandfather had the boat in the marina there. Every summer this was the highlight for me. We'd go out in that little bow rider boat, and crab, and fish, and go to the beach and swim, and drive the golf cart to the marina's little shop, where we bought penny candies that he had given us money for. To this day i still love Swedish fish. Rehobeth has a lot of fond memories for me. From the amusement park, to the haunted house, to Thrashers French Fries, the boardwalk, the salt water taffy, all of it is a form of nostalgia i cannot explain. Even after my mother and father divorced, i still have fond memories of those summers. Perhaps it is not for me to have known him as Grandpop the man, but I think i would have liked to. But since I didn't, I will forever remember him as Grandpop the grandfather and be thankful that I did know him as i had.
Now and forever more, he will remain with his boys at Arlington National Cemetery, where we learned that he had been awarded 3 bronze stars, and received his internment with full military honors and 21 gun salute.
So the passing of Grandpop was the first real loss of a close family member I have experienced. However it will not be the last. My mothers father this past summer was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and he opted to not have surgery.. he's 88 years old, and also a war veteran. I suppose it is his right to decide to not have surgery done, but that does not make it any easier for me. He is the one man I've been incredibly close to all my life. I attribute him with much of my upbringing, much of my value systems, and why i am how i am. I also think hes been the one man that has been the constant, never gone, always there, always available, just always... If i had to have a "rock" he is it. His wife a few years ago, 2008, while in a drunken stupor called me and started drama within the family. The drama was based off of stuff my mothers daughter had said, which in turn had me disown both of them, and thus caused a huge rift within the family.
My mother, did not so much as cause an offense in this matter, but she didn't stop an offense either. She chose to side with her daughter, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and at the time was / is a raging alcoholic, and on top of that, was huffing cans of air. Yes, Spray cans of air. Well she decided to call my grandmother, and speak all sorts of hurtful things about my wife and myself. This in turn caused my grandmother to call me and repeat it, and thus cause the rift. I being the person i am, hung up on my grandmother and then called my mother to have her sort this out before it became irreversible. That backfired, as my mother did nothing, and thus sided with her mother / and daughter. So I disowned them all, with the exception of my grandfather, who was and is innocent in the entire matter. This little family issue has in turn pretty much caused my marriage to fail, and of course torn the family apart. My Grandmother and my mothers daughters actions have taken my grandfather away from me for the past 3 years, and for that I will never forgive them. They are in fact, dead to me. I do not say that lightly either. There is a time when self preservation must kick in and take priority over the repeated hurts, and well this is a bridge that was washed away and will not be rebuilt. Fast forward to today, and i learned thru my father in D.C. that my mothers mother has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. And is now in a assisted living/ nursing home because my grandfather cannot take care of her. She doesn't know what year it is and thinks people who are long dead have visited her recently.
Since 2008 I've come to terms that she's been dead to me for many years in my mind, but learning that it was/is dementia (and most likely one that had been effecting her back then as well) makes it just a smidge harder to be as hardened as i have been. I've also learned that my mothers daughter has been in and out of rehab facilities, and is supposedly now clean. Although she divorced the one husband she had that was worth a shit (even though he went to Clemson) and would (and did) do anything for her. She's also since had a baby with her first husband who is a worthless sack of shit that left a great job as a supervisor in an iron company years ago to be a schwans delivery man, and when that didn't work he became a tow-truck driver, and when that didn't work out, (probably due to the alcoholism and Cocaine) hes now unemployed again and lives off her disability.. Yea a real bright shining star there. both of them. They are the reason people shouldn't reproduce and also a cruel reminder that those that should usually aren't blessed to have children themselves.
So as you can tell, now, the once close nit perfect little happy family i had, is gone. I am now 36, and while it did take me longer to want children than most, being with my friend Mike and his wife September's wonderful 3, I realize how much i want them. I just pray and hope that he and his wife know how lucky they truly are, even with the bullshit of life, the children make it all worth while. I also realize now, that dream will probably go unfulfilled for me, just as my not repeating the mistakes of my fathers, or having a broken family, or always having my grandfather alive to talk to also wont go fulfilled.
To live a life once based within family, and to have that all surrounding you supporting you, and then to loose it all, and to live life every day empty inside and alone is a horrible feeling, which is probably why i started this blog to begin with.. to share my thoughts and feelings.. and maybe to be a form of therapy for myself, and others. I am far from a perfect person and I have my problems as much as anyone else, but if you'd of asked me where i would be 15 years ago, where i am is not exactly what I'd of expected the answer to be. Would any of us though?
Life is cruel and has many grey areas. Sometimes even living in those grey areas can be best. It can be the easiest way to not be hurt.. other times it can be the very invitation to disaster. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. make sure they feel it in their bones. They may not be there tomorrow for you to tell them. I hope and pray that those of you whom I love, I hope you know it.. if i haven't said it enough or ever, I'm sorry. I will strive to make you feel my love, all i ask is you do the same. As I have grown older, Ive noticed this to be true, and I've also noticed it is truly better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. No matter how true that statement is.. it does not make it any easier to do.
I've titled this post welcome to the jungle. Mostly i did so because this is only a glimpse into my jungle of my life.... you can either grab a vine and swing, or you can get sucked down into the quicksand of it all. Either way, beware of the panthers on the branches of the tree of life.. and welcome to my jungle.
I don't know if i really feel like even posting right now, but I'm giving it my best shot. This blog entry may seem more all over the place than many or all that I've posted before, as I'm just kinda of writing off whatever I'm thinking right now at this moment. I've already deleted three different paragraph starts....
Another reason i haven't posted in a while is because life is busy. Hell it is busy, and down right complicated half the time. Be it work, school, family, friends, co-workers, all of that put together makes for a fairly stressful time for many people. I'm not one to be all that stressed usually (or so i like to think) I tend to just go with the flow, and not let things bother me that i cannot control. However things that I can control can really bother me.
One thing I had always believed that was true was that family will always be there. With the past 3-4 years i have noticed that to not be the case. My fathers father passed away back in 06. He had Cancer. I wasn't ever really close with him, but i have many many fond memories of him. No matter how fond those memories are, half of me now wonders if i really knew him at all. You see after he passed we learned he had been a military hero of sorts (he served all his life as a career Army Personnel) He had been awarded 3 bronze stars, for his service in Korea (or so Ive been told it was due to his service in Korea). I'm not really sure if it was Korea, but that's what I've been told. I know he served in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, and I only know this because of what was told to me after he passed. When he was alive, he didn't talk much at all about his service history at all. Since I've become an adult, I've learned that most of the guys who have seen a lot of action never really talk about it. This in my opinion explains much about Grandpop.
The month before he passed, I made a trip up to D.C. to see him. He was as i remembered him for the most part... Yes older, but other than that had his same basic personality. He was a very funny guy, had a humor about him that was fun and playful. While we were sitting on my dad's back patio watching my cousins play in the pool i asked him a bit about his service history. He told me he was in WWII, and went in at Normandy... although not on Day1. he said he was there either day 2 or 3. And served throughout that war, and then in Korea. He said in Korea he remembers being up in North Korea, and the next mountain range over was China. He said he remembers seeing the Chinese come over the top of the mountain, and having to scramble from machine gun to machine gun to machine gun, and then back again, repeating while some of his guys escaped. He told me about the convoy running from the Chinese / North Koreans that he was in, and that was really about it. He never did go into much detail. He also never mentioned Vietnam... So i don't know what he did there or if he was ever in country or not.
When I was a child I remember going every summer with him, my grandmother, my dad, his brothers, all to Rehobeth Beach, in Delaware. Grandpop's brother Uncle Unk( real name was Elmer) had a beach house there, and my grandfather had the boat in the marina there. Every summer this was the highlight for me. We'd go out in that little bow rider boat, and crab, and fish, and go to the beach and swim, and drive the golf cart to the marina's little shop, where we bought penny candies that he had given us money for. To this day i still love Swedish fish. Rehobeth has a lot of fond memories for me. From the amusement park, to the haunted house, to Thrashers French Fries, the boardwalk, the salt water taffy, all of it is a form of nostalgia i cannot explain. Even after my mother and father divorced, i still have fond memories of those summers. Perhaps it is not for me to have known him as Grandpop the man, but I think i would have liked to. But since I didn't, I will forever remember him as Grandpop the grandfather and be thankful that I did know him as i had.
Now and forever more, he will remain with his boys at Arlington National Cemetery, where we learned that he had been awarded 3 bronze stars, and received his internment with full military honors and 21 gun salute.
Rest In Peace Grandpop...
So the passing of Grandpop was the first real loss of a close family member I have experienced. However it will not be the last. My mothers father this past summer was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and he opted to not have surgery.. he's 88 years old, and also a war veteran. I suppose it is his right to decide to not have surgery done, but that does not make it any easier for me. He is the one man I've been incredibly close to all my life. I attribute him with much of my upbringing, much of my value systems, and why i am how i am. I also think hes been the one man that has been the constant, never gone, always there, always available, just always... If i had to have a "rock" he is it. His wife a few years ago, 2008, while in a drunken stupor called me and started drama within the family. The drama was based off of stuff my mothers daughter had said, which in turn had me disown both of them, and thus caused a huge rift within the family.
My mother, did not so much as cause an offense in this matter, but she didn't stop an offense either. She chose to side with her daughter, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and at the time was / is a raging alcoholic, and on top of that, was huffing cans of air. Yes, Spray cans of air. Well she decided to call my grandmother, and speak all sorts of hurtful things about my wife and myself. This in turn caused my grandmother to call me and repeat it, and thus cause the rift. I being the person i am, hung up on my grandmother and then called my mother to have her sort this out before it became irreversible. That backfired, as my mother did nothing, and thus sided with her mother / and daughter. So I disowned them all, with the exception of my grandfather, who was and is innocent in the entire matter. This little family issue has in turn pretty much caused my marriage to fail, and of course torn the family apart. My Grandmother and my mothers daughters actions have taken my grandfather away from me for the past 3 years, and for that I will never forgive them. They are in fact, dead to me. I do not say that lightly either. There is a time when self preservation must kick in and take priority over the repeated hurts, and well this is a bridge that was washed away and will not be rebuilt. Fast forward to today, and i learned thru my father in D.C. that my mothers mother has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. And is now in a assisted living/ nursing home because my grandfather cannot take care of her. She doesn't know what year it is and thinks people who are long dead have visited her recently.
Since 2008 I've come to terms that she's been dead to me for many years in my mind, but learning that it was/is dementia (and most likely one that had been effecting her back then as well) makes it just a smidge harder to be as hardened as i have been. I've also learned that my mothers daughter has been in and out of rehab facilities, and is supposedly now clean. Although she divorced the one husband she had that was worth a shit (even though he went to Clemson) and would (and did) do anything for her. She's also since had a baby with her first husband who is a worthless sack of shit that left a great job as a supervisor in an iron company years ago to be a schwans delivery man, and when that didn't work he became a tow-truck driver, and when that didn't work out, (probably due to the alcoholism and Cocaine) hes now unemployed again and lives off her disability.. Yea a real bright shining star there. both of them. They are the reason people shouldn't reproduce and also a cruel reminder that those that should usually aren't blessed to have children themselves.
So as you can tell, now, the once close nit perfect little happy family i had, is gone. I am now 36, and while it did take me longer to want children than most, being with my friend Mike and his wife September's wonderful 3, I realize how much i want them. I just pray and hope that he and his wife know how lucky they truly are, even with the bullshit of life, the children make it all worth while. I also realize now, that dream will probably go unfulfilled for me, just as my not repeating the mistakes of my fathers, or having a broken family, or always having my grandfather alive to talk to also wont go fulfilled.
To live a life once based within family, and to have that all surrounding you supporting you, and then to loose it all, and to live life every day empty inside and alone is a horrible feeling, which is probably why i started this blog to begin with.. to share my thoughts and feelings.. and maybe to be a form of therapy for myself, and others. I am far from a perfect person and I have my problems as much as anyone else, but if you'd of asked me where i would be 15 years ago, where i am is not exactly what I'd of expected the answer to be. Would any of us though?
Life is cruel and has many grey areas. Sometimes even living in those grey areas can be best. It can be the easiest way to not be hurt.. other times it can be the very invitation to disaster. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. make sure they feel it in their bones. They may not be there tomorrow for you to tell them. I hope and pray that those of you whom I love, I hope you know it.. if i haven't said it enough or ever, I'm sorry. I will strive to make you feel my love, all i ask is you do the same. As I have grown older, Ive noticed this to be true, and I've also noticed it is truly better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. No matter how true that statement is.. it does not make it any easier to do.
I've titled this post welcome to the jungle. Mostly i did so because this is only a glimpse into my jungle of my life.... you can either grab a vine and swing, or you can get sucked down into the quicksand of it all. Either way, beware of the panthers on the branches of the tree of life.. and welcome to my jungle.
Friday, September 30, 2011
7:21 am and Norfolk Southern....
My last post about music made me think of this.... Bare with me you'll see how it made me think about this situation.
It was february 1991 or 1992, but im not 100% of it now, after the years have passed... I was either 15 or 16, and a sophomore in high school. I had been driving for only 2 years roughly, as i had gotten my license at 15. I had been given a car from my grandfather for either my 15th or 16th Birthday. I loved that car. The car i Had prior, was one i bought from a neighbor for 300.00. This car had T-Tops, and leather interior, and bucket seats, and a good V8 Engine. The only thing i was missing was a stereo. So I put one in it, and took out the factory 8 track that was in it. This is partly where the trouble started.
It was a school morning in february. the car was a 77 plymouth, which was carbourated, which means it didn't like running in the cold moist air until it was warmed up. Well this morning we were running a little late for school, and since i was driving i gave a ride to school to my neighbor friends J&J S. (they are twins, and while i wont directly write their full names I'll just call them J&J.) Well we had to pick up my best friend A.L. who lived over near the airport. We went over and picked him up, and J&J gave him the passenger seat. The key here is in between my neighborhood and A.L's is highway 1, and worse yet, a railroad track. The railroad tracks we've crossed hundreds of times, and never had any issues. This all changed this fateful morning.
Leaving A.L.'s house we took our standard route to Lexington High School. This involved going up Old Barnwell Road, to Emmanuel Church Road, and then finally to Kitty Wake Road, which met at a railroad crossing at Highway 1, or Augusta Road. The previous week i think it was I picked up the latest CD from one of my favorite Rock Bands, VAN HALEN. (see where the music tie in is now?) It was their latest CD as I had said and was called : For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, or F.U.C.K. for short. (side note, while this CD was out, anyone else remember CLEAR PEPSI?!?!!? God i loved that stuff!!) This cd, had 11 songs on it. We'd been listening to it in my new sony car Stereo on my 2 12" Pyramid subs (yes i had pyramid, i was poor, and it did the job, later on in my life, i went for the good stuff when i had more money... and now you know why i cant hear well) CD players were not cheap back then and it was really cool to have one, so i thought i was doing well.
Anyways, upon arriving at the intersection of Highway 1 and KittyWake Road we were stopped in traffic waiting to make a left on to Hwy 1. Those of you who know this intersection know how it is setup now. Kittiwake meets highway 1, with about 12 feet of a sharp inclined hill, then railroad tracks. These tracks back then, only had the two side poles for lamps. There was no crossing arms (it wasnt until much later when a trucker was killed there cause he got stuck on the little hill and a train struck him were they put in) there was not even a stoplight back then. It was a right lane turn, a left lane turn, an oncoming lane to go down kitty wake and a stop sign for us turning right or left onto highway 1 and the two pole lights. that was it. Well the little hill was before Highway 1, and sloped down to highway 1, but after the railroad tracks. So if your sitting on the tracks, your actualy at the crest of this little hill. The hill has enough room for maybe 2 cars, the third would be on the tracks and the fourth would be just before the tracks.
At the time we arrived at this intersection there were many cars, and we slowly got to a point where there were two cars on the hill, a small white hatchback on the tracks, and us after that white hatchback. Now, remember the car stereo i described? remember the Van Halen CD? heres where it comes into play. We'd been listening to the CD for the entire trip to school so far, and we were going to continue the rest of the way I'm sure. That stereo system i mentioned, well it meant we listened to the CD at a much larger volume than "normal" people. Besides that fact, we had been in the traffic to make the left onto highway 1 (4 lane road btw.) for about 15 minutes. at my age back then i was shall we say , less than patient.
Slowly the cars ahead moved out of the way, and the white hatchback sat there on the tracks, and I before the tracks. there was a few cars behind me, but not that many. The white hatchback driver, seemed like he wouldnt move up even when folks in front of him had already moved off. So hes sitting there and wont turn. he could have pulled forward, or turned by now many times. At this time we're listening to the first third of teh song "right now" which was number 9 on the disk. We've muted the CD player, to half volume, as we're arguing at why the idiot in front wont go. At that point the guy in the white hatch back pulls forward enough to get half way down the hill, and turns in his seat, and points to our right. which was down tracks toward columbia. I immediately put my car in to reverse, and perhaps put too much pedal down.
Remembering the next few steps will take longer to read what i write, than the time it took them to really happen. It was only a split second that all this happened in.... Now remember me saying it was cool, and misty.. well the ol Volare, she stalled. so I try to start her again, and i cant cause its in Reverse. So now i reach down to the console shifter, and put her in neuteral. Then i reached up to start her again..... As my hand touched the keys a shadow loomed from my right and WHAM!!!! the music stopped, all we hear is a train going by, and then there was Tink.... tink..... tink....tink.... the sounds of the individual railroad cars hitting my front bumper as they went by....
Let me stop there, with four teenage boys in a car that was just hit by a trian... and reassure you all, as sure as im typing this, we all were unscathed. Not a single injury. Now back to the story.. the cars behind me backed up, we're in shock, we cant believe we were hit. we're mad, because our ride to school (my car) is probably totalled. We're sitting there discussing for what seemed hours that we should get out and push the car back, or stay in car until the trian passes. We opt to get out and push the car back. I cant open my driver door (2 door car) at first. The driver front fender had been pushed to wedge the door some. i had to put my legs into it to push it open. once we have it open i let one of the J's out and make sure A and the other J got out. they did, we begin to push the car back. off to the side of the road in the dirt. There we were asked by a few cars behind us if we were ok. we were. Someone said they were going to go call the police and ambulance. We waited.
The train stopped, just up tracks finally. The conducter ran down to the intersection... paniced, as he should have been... we had no idea how lucky we were to be alive. Later we learned we ripped some wiring out of the engine when it hit us, and the train was stuck there for hours. The cops showed. Both state troopers. One in a mustang 5.0, who looked like he was the evil terminator in Terminator2 was a dick. Thats bout all i remember about them. I dont think i got fined, or ticketed luckily. The firedepartment showed too. we were chastised for being so close to the tracks, even though we werent on them. All of our parents were called. All my friends who were in the car that morning stayed home from school that day if I remember correctly. I was not so lucky. My stepfather forced me to go to school.
It was probably 10 am when i got to class. That was the day I learned I had died. Or that was the rumor that was going around the school then. Little did we know that near in the future my best friend A.L. would in fact be taken from us in a very unfortunate Auto Accident. :( J&J, well after high school we lost track, lost touch. their parents still live down the road. Ive recenetly been able to reconnect with one of the j's, and my best friend A.L.'s sister and father thru Facebook. A.L.'s wreck is a story for another day.. I was nearby when that happened... and it pains me to this day to recant the entire thing. So i spent the rest of that day, at school, opening the classes (even at the teachers permission) recanting the entire situation, and what had happened. Then after i had gotten home, J&J met me there. My car had been towed there. It sat in my side yard. I tried to start it, she wouldn't start. no power... so we opened the hood completely.. There it was, the battery had came unhooked. So one of the J's i think it was or myself reconnected it. I put the keys in the ignition and the turned her over. She fired right up.... hellatious noise though. Fan was in the radiator. The bumper had moved about a foot and a half to the left. Thus disconnecting the battery and a lot of other things. She'd never be the same again if i were to get it fixed and what was worse was i didn't have the money to get her fixed. The one thing i didn't mention though, was that instant i started her up, The van halen cd that was in my sony CD player, picked up right where it had left off that morning playing, "Right Now".....
It was february 1991 or 1992, but im not 100% of it now, after the years have passed... I was either 15 or 16, and a sophomore in high school. I had been driving for only 2 years roughly, as i had gotten my license at 15. I had been given a car from my grandfather for either my 15th or 16th Birthday. I loved that car. The car i Had prior, was one i bought from a neighbor for 300.00. This car had T-Tops, and leather interior, and bucket seats, and a good V8 Engine. The only thing i was missing was a stereo. So I put one in it, and took out the factory 8 track that was in it. This is partly where the trouble started.
It was a school morning in february. the car was a 77 plymouth, which was carbourated, which means it didn't like running in the cold moist air until it was warmed up. Well this morning we were running a little late for school, and since i was driving i gave a ride to school to my neighbor friends J&J S. (they are twins, and while i wont directly write their full names I'll just call them J&J.) Well we had to pick up my best friend A.L. who lived over near the airport. We went over and picked him up, and J&J gave him the passenger seat. The key here is in between my neighborhood and A.L's is highway 1, and worse yet, a railroad track. The railroad tracks we've crossed hundreds of times, and never had any issues. This all changed this fateful morning.
Leaving A.L.'s house we took our standard route to Lexington High School. This involved going up Old Barnwell Road, to Emmanuel Church Road, and then finally to Kitty Wake Road, which met at a railroad crossing at Highway 1, or Augusta Road. The previous week i think it was I picked up the latest CD from one of my favorite Rock Bands, VAN HALEN. (see where the music tie in is now?) It was their latest CD as I had said and was called : For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, or F.U.C.K. for short. (side note, while this CD was out, anyone else remember CLEAR PEPSI?!?!!? God i loved that stuff!!) This cd, had 11 songs on it. We'd been listening to it in my new sony car Stereo on my 2 12" Pyramid subs (yes i had pyramid, i was poor, and it did the job, later on in my life, i went for the good stuff when i had more money... and now you know why i cant hear well) CD players were not cheap back then and it was really cool to have one, so i thought i was doing well.
Anyways, upon arriving at the intersection of Highway 1 and KittyWake Road we were stopped in traffic waiting to make a left on to Hwy 1. Those of you who know this intersection know how it is setup now. Kittiwake meets highway 1, with about 12 feet of a sharp inclined hill, then railroad tracks. These tracks back then, only had the two side poles for lamps. There was no crossing arms (it wasnt until much later when a trucker was killed there cause he got stuck on the little hill and a train struck him were they put in) there was not even a stoplight back then. It was a right lane turn, a left lane turn, an oncoming lane to go down kitty wake and a stop sign for us turning right or left onto highway 1 and the two pole lights. that was it. Well the little hill was before Highway 1, and sloped down to highway 1, but after the railroad tracks. So if your sitting on the tracks, your actualy at the crest of this little hill. The hill has enough room for maybe 2 cars, the third would be on the tracks and the fourth would be just before the tracks.
At the time we arrived at this intersection there were many cars, and we slowly got to a point where there were two cars on the hill, a small white hatchback on the tracks, and us after that white hatchback. Now, remember the car stereo i described? remember the Van Halen CD? heres where it comes into play. We'd been listening to the CD for the entire trip to school so far, and we were going to continue the rest of the way I'm sure. That stereo system i mentioned, well it meant we listened to the CD at a much larger volume than "normal" people. Besides that fact, we had been in the traffic to make the left onto highway 1 (4 lane road btw.) for about 15 minutes. at my age back then i was shall we say , less than patient.
Slowly the cars ahead moved out of the way, and the white hatchback sat there on the tracks, and I before the tracks. there was a few cars behind me, but not that many. The white hatchback driver, seemed like he wouldnt move up even when folks in front of him had already moved off. So hes sitting there and wont turn. he could have pulled forward, or turned by now many times. At this time we're listening to the first third of teh song "right now" which was number 9 on the disk. We've muted the CD player, to half volume, as we're arguing at why the idiot in front wont go. At that point the guy in the white hatch back pulls forward enough to get half way down the hill, and turns in his seat, and points to our right. which was down tracks toward columbia. I immediately put my car in to reverse, and perhaps put too much pedal down.
Remembering the next few steps will take longer to read what i write, than the time it took them to really happen. It was only a split second that all this happened in.... Now remember me saying it was cool, and misty.. well the ol Volare, she stalled. so I try to start her again, and i cant cause its in Reverse. So now i reach down to the console shifter, and put her in neuteral. Then i reached up to start her again..... As my hand touched the keys a shadow loomed from my right and WHAM!!!! the music stopped, all we hear is a train going by, and then there was Tink.... tink..... tink....tink.... the sounds of the individual railroad cars hitting my front bumper as they went by....
Let me stop there, with four teenage boys in a car that was just hit by a trian... and reassure you all, as sure as im typing this, we all were unscathed. Not a single injury. Now back to the story.. the cars behind me backed up, we're in shock, we cant believe we were hit. we're mad, because our ride to school (my car) is probably totalled. We're sitting there discussing for what seemed hours that we should get out and push the car back, or stay in car until the trian passes. We opt to get out and push the car back. I cant open my driver door (2 door car) at first. The driver front fender had been pushed to wedge the door some. i had to put my legs into it to push it open. once we have it open i let one of the J's out and make sure A and the other J got out. they did, we begin to push the car back. off to the side of the road in the dirt. There we were asked by a few cars behind us if we were ok. we were. Someone said they were going to go call the police and ambulance. We waited.
The train stopped, just up tracks finally. The conducter ran down to the intersection... paniced, as he should have been... we had no idea how lucky we were to be alive. Later we learned we ripped some wiring out of the engine when it hit us, and the train was stuck there for hours. The cops showed. Both state troopers. One in a mustang 5.0, who looked like he was the evil terminator in Terminator2 was a dick. Thats bout all i remember about them. I dont think i got fined, or ticketed luckily. The firedepartment showed too. we were chastised for being so close to the tracks, even though we werent on them. All of our parents were called. All my friends who were in the car that morning stayed home from school that day if I remember correctly. I was not so lucky. My stepfather forced me to go to school.
It was probably 10 am when i got to class. That was the day I learned I had died. Or that was the rumor that was going around the school then. Little did we know that near in the future my best friend A.L. would in fact be taken from us in a very unfortunate Auto Accident. :( J&J, well after high school we lost track, lost touch. their parents still live down the road. Ive recenetly been able to reconnect with one of the j's, and my best friend A.L.'s sister and father thru Facebook. A.L.'s wreck is a story for another day.. I was nearby when that happened... and it pains me to this day to recant the entire thing. So i spent the rest of that day, at school, opening the classes (even at the teachers permission) recanting the entire situation, and what had happened. Then after i had gotten home, J&J met me there. My car had been towed there. It sat in my side yard. I tried to start it, she wouldn't start. no power... so we opened the hood completely.. There it was, the battery had came unhooked. So one of the J's i think it was or myself reconnected it. I put the keys in the ignition and the turned her over. She fired right up.... hellatious noise though. Fan was in the radiator. The bumper had moved about a foot and a half to the left. Thus disconnecting the battery and a lot of other things. She'd never be the same again if i were to get it fixed and what was worse was i didn't have the money to get her fixed. The one thing i didn't mention though, was that instant i started her up, The van halen cd that was in my sony CD player, picked up right where it had left off that morning playing, "Right Now".....
Music and the sounds of our lives....
As of late i have been a bit a bit slack about posting. I have gone now two days without a single post. I dont intentionally do this, but due to being so busy lately i have had to take time off from posting, and when i did get time to relax i was just too tired to put my thoughts down. That being said, it brings me to our latest topic...
To me as i get older, music has become more and more of a noticable emotional trigger for me. I've noticed that as ive gotten older, i've been able to associate things with certian songs. things from my past, moments in time if you will. Thus by hearing the song, listening to it on either the radio, computer, or an application that i personally look up and choose to play, brings back the memories, sounds, and even smells of the times i had while listening to the songs.
To this day, for example every time i hear DJ Rob Base's It Takes Two to make a thing go right, It takes me back to my first fall in South Carolina. I was 13 years old, and i was at my very first experience with my family at the SC State Fair. Hearing that, and Paradise City by Guns and Roses, and instantly im 13 again, smelling the elephant ears, hearing the Himyllian spin blasting dj rob base.... feeling the cool crisp air of the fall in SC. The corndogs are fresh, and the candy apples are shining beautiful deep candy red, and caramel tan. To feel semi alone, like i did then, when i was a new kid in a new town, having just started school a month earlier, well lets just say the insecurity i had back then was fairly traumatic. At the same time, however, to be with my family enjoying this great grand time of a state fair (which i never had in virginia, as metro DC didnt really have state fairs)was so much fun it was something you never wished to end. Half of me feels just like i did back then now when i listen to these songs. The other half, well it knows im not 13 anymore, and it knows that for the most part, i'll never be able to feel that way again.
Another Song/ group of songs is some of the Police's earliest work. Songs like Every step you take, or do do do da da da, take me back instantly to a pre teen age for me. I was probably 6, 7 or 8, and was living in Virigina with my mom and dad and sister. We had friends, that we had met in an apartment complex called Lyndhurst. It was off of Little River Turnpike, and i think it stands still to this day. I was very close with a little girl there, we were supposed to grow up and marry each other, according to our childhood thoughts. When my mom and dad got divorced we didnt get to hang out as much as we did before, and unfortunately both our familys had moved out of that complex a long time prior. (thanks to the internet though, and facebook, we've since re-connected and have had the ocasional chat, she and her family live up in the greater DC area still, or at least closer to DC than i do lol) But anyways, anytime i hear the Police's early work, it takes me back to being at her family's lake house that they were renovating(her dad was in construction) and nailing shingles on the roof, having fun in the loft he built for his daughters, and just playing and having fun. These memories i suppose i cherish, and while i didnt really think about it like that before i posted this blog entry, i realize i really do cherish them, and will for the entirity of my life. If only it were that simple to go back to those simple times and re-live them. Life is cruel that in the grand scheme of things you never know what you have, nor do you realize how nice life was as a child until it is over, and your an adult with adult worries.
I could go on of course, with more examples, in fact i was going to. However I thought just now I'd post a second post this morning, about the third song/group of songs. This will at least keep the posts at somewhat of a manageable readable lenght. I hope you know and experience what I'm talking about. If your around my age, go back and listen to the music of the times of middle school thru high school, and reflect. I am pretty sure you will experience some memories that are so powerful they can bring you to tears, for one reason or another... Until then, i'll be enjoying Every Breath You Take.....
To me as i get older, music has become more and more of a noticable emotional trigger for me. I've noticed that as ive gotten older, i've been able to associate things with certian songs. things from my past, moments in time if you will. Thus by hearing the song, listening to it on either the radio, computer, or an application that i personally look up and choose to play, brings back the memories, sounds, and even smells of the times i had while listening to the songs.
To this day, for example every time i hear DJ Rob Base's It Takes Two to make a thing go right, It takes me back to my first fall in South Carolina. I was 13 years old, and i was at my very first experience with my family at the SC State Fair. Hearing that, and Paradise City by Guns and Roses, and instantly im 13 again, smelling the elephant ears, hearing the Himyllian spin blasting dj rob base.... feeling the cool crisp air of the fall in SC. The corndogs are fresh, and the candy apples are shining beautiful deep candy red, and caramel tan. To feel semi alone, like i did then, when i was a new kid in a new town, having just started school a month earlier, well lets just say the insecurity i had back then was fairly traumatic. At the same time, however, to be with my family enjoying this great grand time of a state fair (which i never had in virginia, as metro DC didnt really have state fairs)was so much fun it was something you never wished to end. Half of me feels just like i did back then now when i listen to these songs. The other half, well it knows im not 13 anymore, and it knows that for the most part, i'll never be able to feel that way again.
Another Song/ group of songs is some of the Police's earliest work. Songs like Every step you take, or do do do da da da, take me back instantly to a pre teen age for me. I was probably 6, 7 or 8, and was living in Virigina with my mom and dad and sister. We had friends, that we had met in an apartment complex called Lyndhurst. It was off of Little River Turnpike, and i think it stands still to this day. I was very close with a little girl there, we were supposed to grow up and marry each other, according to our childhood thoughts. When my mom and dad got divorced we didnt get to hang out as much as we did before, and unfortunately both our familys had moved out of that complex a long time prior. (thanks to the internet though, and facebook, we've since re-connected and have had the ocasional chat, she and her family live up in the greater DC area still, or at least closer to DC than i do lol) But anyways, anytime i hear the Police's early work, it takes me back to being at her family's lake house that they were renovating(her dad was in construction) and nailing shingles on the roof, having fun in the loft he built for his daughters, and just playing and having fun. These memories i suppose i cherish, and while i didnt really think about it like that before i posted this blog entry, i realize i really do cherish them, and will for the entirity of my life. If only it were that simple to go back to those simple times and re-live them. Life is cruel that in the grand scheme of things you never know what you have, nor do you realize how nice life was as a child until it is over, and your an adult with adult worries.
I could go on of course, with more examples, in fact i was going to. However I thought just now I'd post a second post this morning, about the third song/group of songs. This will at least keep the posts at somewhat of a manageable readable lenght. I hope you know and experience what I'm talking about. If your around my age, go back and listen to the music of the times of middle school thru high school, and reflect. I am pretty sure you will experience some memories that are so powerful they can bring you to tears, for one reason or another... Until then, i'll be enjoying Every Breath You Take.....
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A rat who gnaws at a cat's tail invites destruction....
The title of this blog post, is in fact an ancient Chinese proverb. As of late I've found great wisdom in these little proverbs. And even some comfort in them i must admit. You see, over the thousands of years that there has been literate peoples, people have thought of the same things, felt the same things, and done the same things many times.
The Rat and cat are both metaphors, and can be applied to any person, or thing, that correspond with the cat's tail, which is a metaphor in itself of course for any issue problem, item, thing, person, place, that the "rat" shouldn't mess with, worry about, ask about, use, break, or look at or any other action with. That being said, it is much like the old saying of "be careful what you ask for, as you may just get it"
In our personal lives we all face many trials. Some we deserve, some we don't. Many times we're both the rat, and the cat. To this I ask you, is it in fact better to be the rat, gnawing at the cat's tail, attempting to find out, what we don't really want to know? Is it better to live oblivious to whatever wrath the cat will dish out, from us biting its tail, or is it better to actually gnaw at that tail, and get that wrath, because you at least know whatever it was, and can then move on from there? Perhaps these are the questions we should ask before we gnaw on that tail. Perhaps it is better to know not what you ask, or suspect, because whatever it is you ask or suspect if you are right on your hunches, will signal the end of whatever it is your inquiring about? One must remember even the end of one thing however, does not mean all things stop, but rather it means the beginning of something else. So by the end / beginning cycle, maybe it is better to be that rat, gnawing.
Me? well I don't know. I've always thought i was a good middle ground, even keel person. I'd rather not know some things, due to the hurt it may inflict inside me. At the same time though, sometimes I'd just like to know to get it over with. What is right or wrong on these decisions is entirely of course subject based. I by no means am a perfect man. I try to keep a word once given. I've been told by many I'm too nice, and i get taken advantage of. Maybe that is why i don't play the rat as much as some others. I know many folks who go headstrong into things, and sometimes it really works for them, they solve the issue and it goes away... but many times it doesn't. Many times it just makes more heartache and pain for that person. don't rock the boat you sit in, or you may just capsize.
Does my quietness signal weakness? does it mean that i don't care? quite the opposite i feel. I feel a wise man thinks before he acts... a wise man keeps a word given, be it in business, home, or love. Loyalty, is held in high regard in my eyes. These all are reasons I do not like being the rat. The rat, however, never learns these things, and thus gnaws on the tail of the cat, who guards his friends, family, and loves, with fierce and formidable weapons. My loyalty should not be taken as a weakness either. It is a strength that will repay me 1000 fold to those who truly care. For those i am loyal to, will return it when it counts i feel. I hope that is not something that will ever be tested however.
At Times one thinks that confrontation solves things, at other times, one thinks confrontation does nothing but cause more issues. I guess I end up being one to be more the glass is half full person (which is strange to hear myself say, as I've traditionally been cynical, and sarcastic of wit) which means I'm one to avoid the confrontation if at all possible... I also think it is better to be that way, because words can cut deeper than knives, and often leave wounds that never heal. So if I'm the rat, and I'm gonna gnaw on that cat's tail, i must remember that what that cat may say, may hurt me more, longer, than any swatting that cat would have or could have done. Thus in my role as a rat, I would prefer you to simply hand me some cheese, and allow me to nibble on it in the corner... and keep your tail to yourself, thus keeping the pain of the cats destruction far away from my fragile little heart.... At times however, some cat's tails are big enough that they must be gnawed, and in doing so, destroying the rat, the cat, and the tail all together, so that the cat and the rat can reform into equals, and thus have no problems at all....
The Rat and cat are both metaphors, and can be applied to any person, or thing, that correspond with the cat's tail, which is a metaphor in itself of course for any issue problem, item, thing, person, place, that the "rat" shouldn't mess with, worry about, ask about, use, break, or look at or any other action with. That being said, it is much like the old saying of "be careful what you ask for, as you may just get it"
In our personal lives we all face many trials. Some we deserve, some we don't. Many times we're both the rat, and the cat. To this I ask you, is it in fact better to be the rat, gnawing at the cat's tail, attempting to find out, what we don't really want to know? Is it better to live oblivious to whatever wrath the cat will dish out, from us biting its tail, or is it better to actually gnaw at that tail, and get that wrath, because you at least know whatever it was, and can then move on from there? Perhaps these are the questions we should ask before we gnaw on that tail. Perhaps it is better to know not what you ask, or suspect, because whatever it is you ask or suspect if you are right on your hunches, will signal the end of whatever it is your inquiring about? One must remember even the end of one thing however, does not mean all things stop, but rather it means the beginning of something else. So by the end / beginning cycle, maybe it is better to be that rat, gnawing.
Me? well I don't know. I've always thought i was a good middle ground, even keel person. I'd rather not know some things, due to the hurt it may inflict inside me. At the same time though, sometimes I'd just like to know to get it over with. What is right or wrong on these decisions is entirely of course subject based. I by no means am a perfect man. I try to keep a word once given. I've been told by many I'm too nice, and i get taken advantage of. Maybe that is why i don't play the rat as much as some others. I know many folks who go headstrong into things, and sometimes it really works for them, they solve the issue and it goes away... but many times it doesn't. Many times it just makes more heartache and pain for that person. don't rock the boat you sit in, or you may just capsize.
Does my quietness signal weakness? does it mean that i don't care? quite the opposite i feel. I feel a wise man thinks before he acts... a wise man keeps a word given, be it in business, home, or love. Loyalty, is held in high regard in my eyes. These all are reasons I do not like being the rat. The rat, however, never learns these things, and thus gnaws on the tail of the cat, who guards his friends, family, and loves, with fierce and formidable weapons. My loyalty should not be taken as a weakness either. It is a strength that will repay me 1000 fold to those who truly care. For those i am loyal to, will return it when it counts i feel. I hope that is not something that will ever be tested however.
At Times one thinks that confrontation solves things, at other times, one thinks confrontation does nothing but cause more issues. I guess I end up being one to be more the glass is half full person (which is strange to hear myself say, as I've traditionally been cynical, and sarcastic of wit) which means I'm one to avoid the confrontation if at all possible... I also think it is better to be that way, because words can cut deeper than knives, and often leave wounds that never heal. So if I'm the rat, and I'm gonna gnaw on that cat's tail, i must remember that what that cat may say, may hurt me more, longer, than any swatting that cat would have or could have done. Thus in my role as a rat, I would prefer you to simply hand me some cheese, and allow me to nibble on it in the corner... and keep your tail to yourself, thus keeping the pain of the cats destruction far away from my fragile little heart.... At times however, some cat's tails are big enough that they must be gnawed, and in doing so, destroying the rat, the cat, and the tail all together, so that the cat and the rat can reform into equals, and thus have no problems at all....
Monday, September 26, 2011
Winter is coming....
it is the saying of House Stark, from the new TV series on HBO called Game of Thrones. The show, is based on books by George R.R. Martin. I've not read the books before i saw the first season of the show. The show, to say the least, is quite incredible. So much so, I've begun reading the books. The saying i think is applicable to many things at this time in our world.
Winter is coming. It is a statement that to me can mean many things. Right now, it is fall. so yes, indeed winter, is coming. But does this have more applications? Could this apply to our current financial situation? They say the recession ended in 2009. I don't know about you all, but to me it is still on going. If not getting worse day by day. The stock market, it is a sham. They go up and down because people are manipulating it so they can get rich off of those less fortunate. They being, of course, those in power. I keep hearing of more and more folks loosing their jobs. More people are falling off the unemployment because they've been on it so long now they're no longer eligible for it. Does this mean the jobless rate goes down? No, it means the government can say it went down because these folks are no longer on unemployment. It is all a shell game. So in this instance, winter is indeed coming, as more are out of work, and off unemployment, thus they have little to no money incoming, and yet are still having a pretty bleak future. Hell there are people in my department who haven't received a raise in over 8 years. if that doesn't say something about our countries current situation i don't know what does. We used to get at least "cost of living" raises.
What about a bigger picture than the average Joe though? Look outside of the US, look at say, Greece, Italy, Spain, Ireland, and the situation their governments are in currently. They've all but declared bankruptcy, and probably should. The fact is they cannot support the policies that they've enacted over the years. there is not enough money coming in. The only reason we here in the U.S. aren't that bad yet, is cause we can print our own money.. those countries cannot as they're based largely on the euro. So this is yet another indicator that perhaps winter is indeed coming to the world financially speaking at least.
Winter is coming.... to any chance and hope of peace in the middle east. The fact that the Islamic "spring" and now "fall" and the application of Palestine to the UN without any formal declaration of the acknowledgement of Israel being a sovereign country that deserves to exist is proof of that in itself. The fact of the matter is that the resurgence of an Islamic caliphate and the rise / resurgence of sharia law is proof enough to know that winter is coming on freedom, and on the ability of Israel to withstand any form of major attack by a combined Islamic led attack. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not anti-Islam. I'm anti radical Islamic. Everyone and let me restate that EVERYONE deserves to be able to worship any form they wish, as long as it does not hurt anyone else. You go worship at temple, ill go to church, you to your synagogue, and afterwards we'll all go for tea and biscuits for all I'm concerned.
Winter is coming..... on our nation? Historically folks, any great nation / empire hasn't lasted usually more than oh 225 years or so. guess what. 1776 to 2011... do the math. 235years and counting. I'm one to say the United States of America is the GREATEST country on this planet, and while no government is perfect, we've got about the best one that mankind could come up with..... that being said, we've strayed from our founders, and from our constitution. I fear that the only way to get rid of the bureaucracy and the career politicians would be full blown revolution. Granted its a little further apart than the every 20 years Thomas Jefferson thought it'd be but none the less i think it will have to happen. No one "representing" us really knows what the so called "middle class"(read as working poor) go through these days. Being college educated, and still making under 50k a year with student loans, house bills, kids, etc... all that and much more that most of us "middle class" have to put up with, well... it ain't no 100k a year lifestyle we live.
Winter is coming.... look at the increased solar activity. The sun is putting gout a ton of solar flares as we're in a heightened solar activity period. All it takes is one of these solar flares to shoot out on our side of the sun, and guess what, poof instant stone age. No power. No power for a long time most likely. how many folks know how to survive without power these days? can you plant food without power/power tools? What about fresh water? how do most of us get fresh water?? sure it comes to our home. well do we have fresh water when we have no power? sure, as long as the water plant has power. somethings pumping that water to us, what is that i wonder? well then you say so what, maybe I'll just go to the store and buy bottled water. again, stores have no power. how long will all that food keep without power? and no power could also mean no cars, cause most cars are electrical / computer driven in nature.. A large flare could knock out our computer chips on boards even if not turned on. Oh yes, it gets complex fast. Yea, your right. I'm crazy and just imagining this.. that's why the US Government did a thorough report on it here : http://www.empcommission.org/
Winter is coming..... in my life. I'm 36. I have no kids sadly, and until the past 2 years or so, I've not really had the desire... Perhaps it is cause I've always worried about being a good father, or perhaps it is because it happens to every person at one time or another when they realize they want them. I don't know. I do know that I have no one to carry on my name, my memory nor my hopes, desires or love. At my age, my life is most likely more than over now than it isnt. Fact is at my current age now, 100 years ago i'd of been lucky to have lived this long. Seeing my Grandfather aging, and begining to slow down has become a sort of wakening. Couple that with the other relatives and friends I've lost due to old age, or any other reason, be it natural or an accident it really starts to weigh on a person. What have i to show for my life? Material objects mostly, but they do not matter in the grand scheme of all things. What will i leave behind, and worse yet, who will remember me, and miss me when I am gone. I have none that will that i know of... or at least none that will beyond their own years from having personally known me.... and this is a cold reminder that winter is indeed coming....
Winter is coming. It is a statement that to me can mean many things. Right now, it is fall. so yes, indeed winter, is coming. But does this have more applications? Could this apply to our current financial situation? They say the recession ended in 2009. I don't know about you all, but to me it is still on going. If not getting worse day by day. The stock market, it is a sham. They go up and down because people are manipulating it so they can get rich off of those less fortunate. They being, of course, those in power. I keep hearing of more and more folks loosing their jobs. More people are falling off the unemployment because they've been on it so long now they're no longer eligible for it. Does this mean the jobless rate goes down? No, it means the government can say it went down because these folks are no longer on unemployment. It is all a shell game. So in this instance, winter is indeed coming, as more are out of work, and off unemployment, thus they have little to no money incoming, and yet are still having a pretty bleak future. Hell there are people in my department who haven't received a raise in over 8 years. if that doesn't say something about our countries current situation i don't know what does. We used to get at least "cost of living" raises.
What about a bigger picture than the average Joe though? Look outside of the US, look at say, Greece, Italy, Spain, Ireland, and the situation their governments are in currently. They've all but declared bankruptcy, and probably should. The fact is they cannot support the policies that they've enacted over the years. there is not enough money coming in. The only reason we here in the U.S. aren't that bad yet, is cause we can print our own money.. those countries cannot as they're based largely on the euro. So this is yet another indicator that perhaps winter is indeed coming to the world financially speaking at least.
Winter is coming.... to any chance and hope of peace in the middle east. The fact that the Islamic "spring" and now "fall" and the application of Palestine to the UN without any formal declaration of the acknowledgement of Israel being a sovereign country that deserves to exist is proof of that in itself. The fact of the matter is that the resurgence of an Islamic caliphate and the rise / resurgence of sharia law is proof enough to know that winter is coming on freedom, and on the ability of Israel to withstand any form of major attack by a combined Islamic led attack. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not anti-Islam. I'm anti radical Islamic. Everyone and let me restate that EVERYONE deserves to be able to worship any form they wish, as long as it does not hurt anyone else. You go worship at temple, ill go to church, you to your synagogue, and afterwards we'll all go for tea and biscuits for all I'm concerned.
Winter is coming..... on our nation? Historically folks, any great nation / empire hasn't lasted usually more than oh 225 years or so. guess what. 1776 to 2011... do the math. 235years and counting. I'm one to say the United States of America is the GREATEST country on this planet, and while no government is perfect, we've got about the best one that mankind could come up with..... that being said, we've strayed from our founders, and from our constitution. I fear that the only way to get rid of the bureaucracy and the career politicians would be full blown revolution. Granted its a little further apart than the every 20 years Thomas Jefferson thought it'd be but none the less i think it will have to happen. No one "representing" us really knows what the so called "middle class"(read as working poor) go through these days. Being college educated, and still making under 50k a year with student loans, house bills, kids, etc... all that and much more that most of us "middle class" have to put up with, well... it ain't no 100k a year lifestyle we live.
Winter is coming.... look at the increased solar activity. The sun is putting gout a ton of solar flares as we're in a heightened solar activity period. All it takes is one of these solar flares to shoot out on our side of the sun, and guess what, poof instant stone age. No power. No power for a long time most likely. how many folks know how to survive without power these days? can you plant food without power/power tools? What about fresh water? how do most of us get fresh water?? sure it comes to our home. well do we have fresh water when we have no power? sure, as long as the water plant has power. somethings pumping that water to us, what is that i wonder? well then you say so what, maybe I'll just go to the store and buy bottled water. again, stores have no power. how long will all that food keep without power? and no power could also mean no cars, cause most cars are electrical / computer driven in nature.. A large flare could knock out our computer chips on boards even if not turned on. Oh yes, it gets complex fast. Yea, your right. I'm crazy and just imagining this.. that's why the US Government did a thorough report on it here : http://www.empcommission.org/
Winter is coming..... in my life. I'm 36. I have no kids sadly, and until the past 2 years or so, I've not really had the desire... Perhaps it is cause I've always worried about being a good father, or perhaps it is because it happens to every person at one time or another when they realize they want them. I don't know. I do know that I have no one to carry on my name, my memory nor my hopes, desires or love. At my age, my life is most likely more than over now than it isnt. Fact is at my current age now, 100 years ago i'd of been lucky to have lived this long. Seeing my Grandfather aging, and begining to slow down has become a sort of wakening. Couple that with the other relatives and friends I've lost due to old age, or any other reason, be it natural or an accident it really starts to weigh on a person. What have i to show for my life? Material objects mostly, but they do not matter in the grand scheme of all things. What will i leave behind, and worse yet, who will remember me, and miss me when I am gone. I have none that will that i know of... or at least none that will beyond their own years from having personally known me.... and this is a cold reminder that winter is indeed coming....
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Southern Saturdays and a buss ride to school....
Welcome to fall in the south. There is perhaps no greater thing for the greater majority of people here than College Football. it's on just about every channel. Fans are covered in paint, gear, and the finest team spirit items they can find. Here the women dress up in dresses with their favorite team's Logo on them, and I dont mean just any old dress, i mean attractive well thought out, and well made dresses. Fellas wear jerseys, t-shirts, or even no shirt at all and paint themselves from dang near head to toe with the colors of their favorite teams, and some even have letters spelled out on their chests and backs.
Here in Columbia, i can remember as a 7th grader, being asked on one of my first buss rides to school after the move down here was i a gamecock or a tiger. I had no idea what they meant. I didnt quite get it, so after some explanation by the guys and girls around me i had to choose. Right there and right then. I had no idea which to choose of course, and it was even worse cause i've never really cared for sports. Sure back "home" in Virginia I played Soccer.. but when mentioning soccer here I was greeted with strange looks. Oh the joys of being 13 and transplanted from the Metro DC area to what i viewed as my own personal southern hell of hickville where there was nothing to do, and no one i knew. Back to having to choose.... I think, and i truely mean this that I think i choose Gamecock. Honestly though, im not 100% sure on that. Either way, the future played out that indeed i was a going to become a Gamecock... even if I hadnt chosen that back then on that morning ride to school.
Fast forward to 1993.. I applied at many many colleges, and was somehow accepted to many of those i applied at. I was fortunate enough to get Acceptance Letters from : Francis Marion University, Embry Riddle University, The Citadel, and The University of South Carolina. Anyone who knows me, by now, knows the path i chose. I decided to stay at home, buy a car, and go to USC. I had made this decision for a few reasons. 1, a new car, 2 a girl, 3, i was still angry at the bullshit my commander in ROTC pulled over kissing ass and promotions, and 4, i was young and dumb. (While the prior has changed, sometimes i wonder if the latter still persists. ) So in fall of 1994, i started my life as a Gamecock. It took me damn near 15 years to finish my degree. I worked full time throughout my college career. I supported my mother thru a divorce, i got married, i worked 2 jobs at times, so yea needless to say, my life was complex, and my college career. Bottom line is I did complete it. However my gamecock career didnt end there. In 08 i was hired by the USC School of Medicine. Thus becoming an alum of both USC and the School of medicine. I've told you all this because it shows how deep the blood runs in the south. Folks fight, as Carolina and Clemson proved during the last game of Lou Holtz's coaching career.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of a college town on game day. When i say game day in the south it is largely referring to Football. However lately the Gamecocks have had this apply to our incredible Baseball team as well. The smells and sounds you hear while tailgating, or being in the stadium during the game, it is truly electric. You can see it in the air, the energy, the hopes, and excitement. Not to mention the pain, and sorrow when your team is not able to win that game. Odd how even the most anti sports fan can convert on a game day in a town. Especially if that team won. When your team takes the field and your in that stadium, it is incredible. I recommend everyone to see at least one game in person.
Today is of course a game day here in the south, and everyone everywhere are sporting their teams colors. for those of you who care less, forgive us crazy fans. Sometimes our idiocy is due to too much alcohol, sometimes its just too much passion because we spent so much money in tuition for so many years. Others have their passion and pride because while they've never been able to go to the school, they have pulled for them all their lives because of many reasons, family, friends, or even a bus ride to middle school...
GOOOOOOOOOOO COCKS!!!
Here in Columbia, i can remember as a 7th grader, being asked on one of my first buss rides to school after the move down here was i a gamecock or a tiger. I had no idea what they meant. I didnt quite get it, so after some explanation by the guys and girls around me i had to choose. Right there and right then. I had no idea which to choose of course, and it was even worse cause i've never really cared for sports. Sure back "home" in Virginia I played Soccer.. but when mentioning soccer here I was greeted with strange looks. Oh the joys of being 13 and transplanted from the Metro DC area to what i viewed as my own personal southern hell of hickville where there was nothing to do, and no one i knew. Back to having to choose.... I think, and i truely mean this that I think i choose Gamecock. Honestly though, im not 100% sure on that. Either way, the future played out that indeed i was a going to become a Gamecock... even if I hadnt chosen that back then on that morning ride to school.
Fast forward to 1993.. I applied at many many colleges, and was somehow accepted to many of those i applied at. I was fortunate enough to get Acceptance Letters from : Francis Marion University, Embry Riddle University, The Citadel, and The University of South Carolina. Anyone who knows me, by now, knows the path i chose. I decided to stay at home, buy a car, and go to USC. I had made this decision for a few reasons. 1, a new car, 2 a girl, 3, i was still angry at the bullshit my commander in ROTC pulled over kissing ass and promotions, and 4, i was young and dumb. (While the prior has changed, sometimes i wonder if the latter still persists. ) So in fall of 1994, i started my life as a Gamecock. It took me damn near 15 years to finish my degree. I worked full time throughout my college career. I supported my mother thru a divorce, i got married, i worked 2 jobs at times, so yea needless to say, my life was complex, and my college career. Bottom line is I did complete it. However my gamecock career didnt end there. In 08 i was hired by the USC School of Medicine. Thus becoming an alum of both USC and the School of medicine. I've told you all this because it shows how deep the blood runs in the south. Folks fight, as Carolina and Clemson proved during the last game of Lou Holtz's coaching career.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of a college town on game day. When i say game day in the south it is largely referring to Football. However lately the Gamecocks have had this apply to our incredible Baseball team as well. The smells and sounds you hear while tailgating, or being in the stadium during the game, it is truly electric. You can see it in the air, the energy, the hopes, and excitement. Not to mention the pain, and sorrow when your team is not able to win that game. Odd how even the most anti sports fan can convert on a game day in a town. Especially if that team won. When your team takes the field and your in that stadium, it is incredible. I recommend everyone to see at least one game in person.
Today is of course a game day here in the south, and everyone everywhere are sporting their teams colors. for those of you who care less, forgive us crazy fans. Sometimes our idiocy is due to too much alcohol, sometimes its just too much passion because we spent so much money in tuition for so many years. Others have their passion and pride because while they've never been able to go to the school, they have pulled for them all their lives because of many reasons, family, friends, or even a bus ride to middle school...
GOOOOOOOOOOO COCKS!!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
To forget one's ancestor's is to be a brook without a source, a tree without root...
And for me, until the past 3 or 4 years, I've been just that. While growing up, sure i had a family. It was a good family too for the most part. Yes we had our issues, much like every family has. I come from a pretty complex family system. You see my mother was adopted, and I never knew my biological father. Yes, I have a dad, now, more folks that could be considered dad than really deserve it actually. But knowing this, has meant I never truly knew my biological genealogy. Where i came from, and for me with my interest in history, and the like, well it was not easy for me.
My mother and my Biological father were never married. They dated. My biological father was evidently married when my mother and he were dating, although he was separated from his wife. There is doubt on what happened as to why they split, one side says one thing, the other says the other... that's neither here nor there now. .Fact is i was conceived and born. My mother married shortly afterwards, and I was given a sister. This man is the man I have always called dad.. and will for the rest of my life. When i refer to my dad it is of him whom i speak. Some 6 years later or so they split up, and divorced. My mother remarried when i was 10, and gave it a go for 12 or 13 years. then divorced. This man was good to begin with, but he had issues later and well we never really got along 100% of the time. I shoulda guessed there was something wrong with him when he told us he lived in a tree house for 2 years, but i was young, and who am i to judge a single man's choices on living environments. There were no children borne from this marriage, as there weren't any from my mothers third, and so far fourth marriage luckily.
Well back in November of 2008, I received a call from my mother. She and I had been on rocky terms due to things with my half sister and my mothers mother, whom I've recently found out had been and is currently suffering from Vascular Dementia which is now advanced. Long story short, this phone call stated she had located my biological father and he wanted to speak with me. The decision to actually have him know i existed, or if he knew that i did already, the decision to actually contact him was taken from me without ever being offered in the first place. Over the next few months we spoke a couple times, and we have corresponded fairly frequently via the Internet in email and the like. He has filled in a lot about my blood heritage. Things including the fact that I have 3 half siblings by him, in addition to my half sister with my mom and the man i refer to as my "dad", and his 2 daughters with his second wife. So in all now, i find myself with 6 siblings, when for the most part i only grew up with 1, and knew of 3.
On my Biological fathers side, i found that he was originally a native South Carolinian. His family was all from the Upstate, Seneca, oconee county. He doesn't seem to like most of his family, and usually doesn't have nice things to say about where he came from. I don't understand that, and in that fact we are vastly different. Good or bad, where you come from is where you come from. It does not necessarily make you who you are. You make you who you are.
Anyways, i found out that in fact we have Oconee Cherokee in our blood, and I believe from what I've found I'm 1/16 or 1/32nd Cherokee on his side. I don't know for sure, as well, I'm not good at math, and damned if i understand how all this works. lol. I also found by using a web site called Ancestry.com, that my forefathers on his side came over to America in 1635 on the HMS Speedwell. They landed at Jamestown Colony, and settled not far up the river, before they started migrating thru VA to eventually land in SC. That ship carried not 1 of my forefathers, but 2. The ships captain was one of them. I have all the information saved in my ancestry.com profile, and also a local copy in a pc program called family tree maker. This also explains the reasons that once i moved here to SC, I've felt at home, and do not want to move away. Even though i was born in Virginia and spent my first 13 years there, I definitely consider myself a native south Carolinian, and I'm rather proud of it.
Along with the amazing find that my ancestors were among the first settlers of the new world, I also think i discovered some lines that go back as far as 1530's to Belfast Ireland, and get this, 1020's Whales. Granted i say i think, because 1, I'm using ancestry.com alone, and 2, how accurate were records back then? I'm not one to say, but I am quite happy to know all about this stuff, as it is not only very interesting but it is nice to know where i come from basically. (especially with the fondness i have toward all things Celtic, and also all things Native American)
Now, while things are still rocky on my mother's side, I've been in contact with my half sister on my fathers side. She has a son, and wants to meet up one day to talk. I think this may be nice to do. My biological father also wants to meet in person. I do not know if I can ever make it to Florida to meet him, but i haven't ruled it out. For now, I am glad to continue the emails and communicate that way with him... I do not know how my half brothers would feel about even talking with me. I have never done so, and initially i got the impression from my half sister that they did not want to know me or have anything to do with me. This may have changed by now, I do not know though.. it would be nice to think they would be slightly curious enough but I do not know. My half sister didn't seem to thrilled when she found out about me, but like i said since then we've spoken via the Internet a good bit...
My mothers side, however is still a mystery. I know she was born in Beckley / Charlestown West Virginia, but i know nothing of her biological parents. I have heard that she did look into finding her biological parents. I don't know how true this is, nor do i know if I'll ever know but i do think it would be nice to know. The man I call my grandfather, (her adoptive father) to me is the man I've always considered my father. Deep within me, I've never doubted this. I thank him for most if not all of my beliefs, morals, and interests. Not only could i always count on him, i never once had a doubt on that. His silent strength has been what I've aspired to be all my life... and now in the twilight of his years, he has been diagnosed with Bladder cancer, and opted to not have surgery. I cannot fault this decision, but for many years I've tried to make myself believe he'd live forever, and things would never change. The cruel twists of life are in fact that they do change, and no one lives forever. Because of the rift in my family, I have been unable to see him in the past 3-4 years. This hurts me more than I'll ever say. I do speak with him on the phone but much like many other things, it is not the same. I do not think i can ever forgive my sister or my grandmother for taking him away from me... nor for the other issues they have caused me in my life.... if things were only how they were back before then.... There is truly nothing more scary to a man in my opinion than being totally alone, while not physically, but feeling it inside, deep inside, in every fiber of their being, that no one is there for them any longer. That is a very sad and lonely place to be and I do not know how else to explain it nor the torture that a man experiences every minute of every day feeling that way.
Well I've gone on long enough for this post.. I've touched on many things i didn't even intend to. I hope someone enjoys the read, and if so inclined to do so comments on my ramblings. until our next post... I wish you all the best.
My mother and my Biological father were never married. They dated. My biological father was evidently married when my mother and he were dating, although he was separated from his wife. There is doubt on what happened as to why they split, one side says one thing, the other says the other... that's neither here nor there now. .Fact is i was conceived and born. My mother married shortly afterwards, and I was given a sister. This man is the man I have always called dad.. and will for the rest of my life. When i refer to my dad it is of him whom i speak. Some 6 years later or so they split up, and divorced. My mother remarried when i was 10, and gave it a go for 12 or 13 years. then divorced. This man was good to begin with, but he had issues later and well we never really got along 100% of the time. I shoulda guessed there was something wrong with him when he told us he lived in a tree house for 2 years, but i was young, and who am i to judge a single man's choices on living environments. There were no children borne from this marriage, as there weren't any from my mothers third, and so far fourth marriage luckily.
Well back in November of 2008, I received a call from my mother. She and I had been on rocky terms due to things with my half sister and my mothers mother, whom I've recently found out had been and is currently suffering from Vascular Dementia which is now advanced. Long story short, this phone call stated she had located my biological father and he wanted to speak with me. The decision to actually have him know i existed, or if he knew that i did already, the decision to actually contact him was taken from me without ever being offered in the first place. Over the next few months we spoke a couple times, and we have corresponded fairly frequently via the Internet in email and the like. He has filled in a lot about my blood heritage. Things including the fact that I have 3 half siblings by him, in addition to my half sister with my mom and the man i refer to as my "dad", and his 2 daughters with his second wife. So in all now, i find myself with 6 siblings, when for the most part i only grew up with 1, and knew of 3.
On my Biological fathers side, i found that he was originally a native South Carolinian. His family was all from the Upstate, Seneca, oconee county. He doesn't seem to like most of his family, and usually doesn't have nice things to say about where he came from. I don't understand that, and in that fact we are vastly different. Good or bad, where you come from is where you come from. It does not necessarily make you who you are. You make you who you are.
Anyways, i found out that in fact we have Oconee Cherokee in our blood, and I believe from what I've found I'm 1/16 or 1/32nd Cherokee on his side. I don't know for sure, as well, I'm not good at math, and damned if i understand how all this works. lol. I also found by using a web site called Ancestry.com, that my forefathers on his side came over to America in 1635 on the HMS Speedwell. They landed at Jamestown Colony, and settled not far up the river, before they started migrating thru VA to eventually land in SC. That ship carried not 1 of my forefathers, but 2. The ships captain was one of them. I have all the information saved in my ancestry.com profile, and also a local copy in a pc program called family tree maker. This also explains the reasons that once i moved here to SC, I've felt at home, and do not want to move away. Even though i was born in Virginia and spent my first 13 years there, I definitely consider myself a native south Carolinian, and I'm rather proud of it.
Along with the amazing find that my ancestors were among the first settlers of the new world, I also think i discovered some lines that go back as far as 1530's to Belfast Ireland, and get this, 1020's Whales. Granted i say i think, because 1, I'm using ancestry.com alone, and 2, how accurate were records back then? I'm not one to say, but I am quite happy to know all about this stuff, as it is not only very interesting but it is nice to know where i come from basically. (especially with the fondness i have toward all things Celtic, and also all things Native American)
Now, while things are still rocky on my mother's side, I've been in contact with my half sister on my fathers side. She has a son, and wants to meet up one day to talk. I think this may be nice to do. My biological father also wants to meet in person. I do not know if I can ever make it to Florida to meet him, but i haven't ruled it out. For now, I am glad to continue the emails and communicate that way with him... I do not know how my half brothers would feel about even talking with me. I have never done so, and initially i got the impression from my half sister that they did not want to know me or have anything to do with me. This may have changed by now, I do not know though.. it would be nice to think they would be slightly curious enough but I do not know. My half sister didn't seem to thrilled when she found out about me, but like i said since then we've spoken via the Internet a good bit...
My mothers side, however is still a mystery. I know she was born in Beckley / Charlestown West Virginia, but i know nothing of her biological parents. I have heard that she did look into finding her biological parents. I don't know how true this is, nor do i know if I'll ever know but i do think it would be nice to know. The man I call my grandfather, (her adoptive father) to me is the man I've always considered my father. Deep within me, I've never doubted this. I thank him for most if not all of my beliefs, morals, and interests. Not only could i always count on him, i never once had a doubt on that. His silent strength has been what I've aspired to be all my life... and now in the twilight of his years, he has been diagnosed with Bladder cancer, and opted to not have surgery. I cannot fault this decision, but for many years I've tried to make myself believe he'd live forever, and things would never change. The cruel twists of life are in fact that they do change, and no one lives forever. Because of the rift in my family, I have been unable to see him in the past 3-4 years. This hurts me more than I'll ever say. I do speak with him on the phone but much like many other things, it is not the same. I do not think i can ever forgive my sister or my grandmother for taking him away from me... nor for the other issues they have caused me in my life.... if things were only how they were back before then.... There is truly nothing more scary to a man in my opinion than being totally alone, while not physically, but feeling it inside, deep inside, in every fiber of their being, that no one is there for them any longer. That is a very sad and lonely place to be and I do not know how else to explain it nor the torture that a man experiences every minute of every day feeling that way.
Well I've gone on long enough for this post.. I've touched on many things i didn't even intend to. I hope someone enjoys the read, and if so inclined to do so comments on my ramblings. until our next post... I wish you all the best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)